A Very Faint BFP Today

BFP= Big Fat Positive (on a Pregnancy Test)

So, my husband and I were supposed to wait for 2 cycles before trying to concieve again. We really waited only one cycle because he had gone off of his meds in February and we felt we should not lose any time in case he had to go back on them again. (We believe and have been told that his anti-depressants are one of the potential causes for our miscarriages.) Our first cycle trying again was a major disappointment. I seriously thought I might be pregnant at one point and even had a very convincing evaporation line show up on one of the pregancy tests, but alas, it was not to be. I struggled with quite a bit of grief when it was clear I was not pregnant. Additionally, my husband became less sure how much he wanted to keep trying. He also realized (as did I), that he had to get back on his meds. This news spun me into a depression.

By the time we started my next cycle, I realized that this was our "last try" before my husband's meds took their full effect. He went back on them just a few days before I ovulated. We decided to give it a try, not expecting that we would fall pregnant. Additionally, I had started to do some serious soul work around the idea that I may never have another child. To say it has been painful and difficult would be an understatement, especially following our losses.

Sometime after I ovluated, I started having moments of a very strange sort of confidence that I was absolutely, without a doubt, pregnant again. And it was not just that I "felt" pregnant like I had before, but there was a deeper sense: it was simply a fact. I can't explain it, but I didn't like it, in case it was untrue. I also had a very vivid dream that first week after ovulating that I gave birth to a beautiful little boy. It was extremely vivid and wonderful. The only time I have had a dream like that was right before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.

And then all kinds of "lucky" things seemed to be happening to me related to fertility: a child called me over to hand me a lady bug (they are considered very lucky for pregnancy). I was given 4 different gifts that were butterfly themed (symbol of new life). And while on a walk with my daughter, we found a baby bird's egg, very newly hatched and now empty, lying on the ground at our feet. We took it home. Plus, it's spring and everything seems to be shouting "fertility and new life" as we watch the flowers and leaves budding anew and as we prepare for Easter. It's all about moving out of death into new life and resurrection. Today itself is Holy Monday in the Church calendar and Easter is less than a week away now.

Of course, I had many more moments when I felt tortured by the idea that I could not be pregnant this quickly again, and this might be our last shot. In fact, by yesterday, I had convinced myself that I was simply a complete nut case with all kind of imagined pregnancy symptoms (of which I've had many)! Let's see, my symptoms include: heartburn, fatigue, tender breasts, gas, bloating, irritability, shortness of breath, itchy nipples, increased appetite and thirst, sleeplessness, vivid dreams, cramping and some very painful pulling sensations. The list goes on...seriously. And I kept thinking: what kind of insanity is behind my belief that I'm pregnant?! Of course you're not! Stop that!

So this morning, when I took my Wondfo internet cheapie pregnancy test, I was really and truly not expecting to see anything. But then I could have sworn there was a SUPER faint shadow tint on it...which even faded away when the test dried. Still, I reported the shadow to my Cycle Buddies on Fertility Friend and they were encouraging about it. I felt like I had gone truly mad, obsessing over this shadowy line. But I decided to test again with SMU (second morning urine) and again, another shadowy line, this time just a hair more visible. I took photos, tweaked, and posted them on our fertility discussion board to get opinions. Others could see it and encouraged me to "retest." By 1:30pm, I couldn't stand it. I retested and yet a third shadowy line, this time even more visible, appeared. I finally took my daughter to the store to get some higher quality tests and do some other shopping. We got home and I rushed to the bathroom, having "held it" for a full 5 hours so as not waste the costly tests and get the most accurate result.

I held the test in my hands, as I have so many other countless times, but this time it did not stare back at me stark white. No. It was like magic: a faint but clearly visible second line appeared. On both tests. (The test pictured above is one of them.)

So yes, I do have a very faint BFP only 10 days post ovulation. I have no idea if this pregnancy will last, if this little one will "stick," or if I need to prepare myself for yet another loss. I am less terrified in some ways because I feel prepared for the fact that we are high risk. No longer innocent, I know we could lose this pregnancy in a flash, and it would not be a shock.

We already have an appointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) this week. It was to be our first consultation related to fertility, but now I hope it will also be to establish me as a patient who needs some extra attention and support for this pregnancy.

So, I am seeking to take it one day at a time. I don't want to get ahead of myself like I have in the past. I am trying to simply trust God that whatever will be, will be. Truly, the future is not ours! And for now, I'll enjoy those TWO little lines.