What to Do When Your Friend or Family Member Miscarries

I have heard from many women who end up being deeply wounded by the reactions of thier friends and family following a miscarriage. I know I was deeply pained by the responses or lack of responses from those I loved and who I thought cared about me. Most people just don't know what to do or say and end up doing something less than helpful. Silence can be the worst, further alienating the one who is suffering. Common experiences women report include avoidance by friends and family, a reluctance by others to talk about the loss, a down playing of the loss by others, or saying things that diminish the loss. For most women and men suffering from a miscarriage, the grief can be very deep and just as painful as losing a most beloved family member. For the mother, she is immediately connected to her baby both physically in a very literal way and emotionally, regardless of what stage she is at gestationally. For both parents, this little one was their baby and next child. It doesn't matter if they were just 4 weeks pregnant or much farther along. A loss is a loss. The loss can be even more traumatic later on, but the grief experienced with an early loss can be extremely acute and heart wrenching. Most mothers and many fathers will experience all the stages of grief after a miscarriage and this usually lasts for several months. Be assured that they will never forget the little one they lost and loved but never had the chance to hold.

Here are some very tangible things YOU can do to be a support to a women who has suffered a miscarriage:

1. DO call, visit, email or whatever is normal for your relationship to simply check in with her, especially during the first few weeks, but even for several months. She may or may not want to talk about the miscarriage, but just by calling to say, "I care about you and am here for you if you need anything" will help her tremendously to feel supported during a very painful time.

2. DO send sympathy cards or flowers, just as you would for the loss of any loved one. The baby was absolutely a loved one for the mother and father and acknowledging that fact in a tangible ways is a huge affirmation and comfort. Pretending the little one didn't exist is the worst thing you can do...that does not ease the pain but increases it. This was their unborn child and they had dreams and hopes for him or her, they were already in love with the little life they had created that died too soon. Give them your condolences.

3. DO talk about the topic if and when the parents bring it up. Don't change the topic or avoid it. It won't cause them more pain to talk about it, on the contrary, the pain is already there and not having a safe place to talk about it is much worse.

4. DO listen, say little, and don't give advice. Listening, nodding, and saying nothing more than, "I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do" or "This is so hard" is PLENTY! When we try to "fix" the problem with many words or advice, we usually say something stupid...it's a problem that cannot be fixed but simply needs to be expressed and grieved until emotional healing can be reached.

5. If you and the parents are open to prayer, then DO tell them they are in your prayers and then actually follow up with prayers on their behalf. They're going to need it and knowing that they're in people's prayers is a very comforting thing.

6. DO NOT tell them to look on the "bright side" or diminish their loss in any way. (By the way, this piece advice applies to all kinds of loss and grief. When you're grieving, this is NOT the time to look on the "bright side.") Healthy grief requires taking account the full measure of the loss and the all pain involved and then affirming that it was indeed, a very sad and significant loss. Do not tell people they are "lucky for x reason" or that "it was God's will" or that "it's a good thing for x reason." This only adds to their pain and sense of loss and alienates them further. People in grief need primarily to be acknowledged that thier grief is real and significant. Eventually, in time, they will heal, but that is not now, it is when they're ready. They will eventually see a bright side on the other side of grief, but you CAN'T short circuit the pain of grief to get them there, so don't try.

The gift of your presence and love is the most valuable thing...just being there is the most important thing you can offer. It can make a world of difference for someone in deep pain.