I began to heal, it seems, after the news about our baby girl's sad condition. Knowing there was a reason for the miscarriage truly helped, although I know many women never get any answers.
As I awoke from a dream about my baby the next day, my little girl's name came to me very clearly, almost audibly, while in that twilight stage between sleeping and waking: "Her name is Annabelle." I had never considered this name before (I have quite a few names on my list) but it was perfect and lovely and I instantly knew that was indeed her name. I doubted my husband would agree since we hardly ever agree on names. But when I told him, he really liked it, and so I looked up the name's meaning online: "lovable." Well, that was certainly true of our little girl! We deeply loved her and she was entirely lovable even at such an early stage of development (8 weeks in pregnancy terms and 6 weeks gestational age).
My healing since has included creating keepsake albums for our angel babies, Aidan and Annabelle. I included pictures taken when I was pregnant, the beloved "tokens" of the saved postive pregnancy test strips, and of course, the many ultrasound photos we have of Annabelle. My 4 year old daughter helped me put them together with stickers of hearts, flowers, butterflies, angels, "love" quotes and pictures of Jesus with the children.
I also purchased and decorated a wooden box with paint and jewels to place the little bit of fetal tissue I had left of Annabelle (after the D & C I still miscarried some fetal tissue and was told to freeze it just in case it was needed by the OBGYN). We are going to bury the little box at our church and have a private memorial liturgy to thank God for the lives and joy these little ones brought to us in their short existence on earth. They are our children in my eyes, regardless of their gestational age.
I also created a "plan" for healing and good health for a future pregnancy that includes having my husband totally wean off the SSRI's (he has since done this) and take fertility vitamins. For me it includes exercise, healthy eating, prenatal vitamins, increased folic acid, no caffeine or aspartame, and rather religious charting of my own bodily/fertility symptoms. So far so good.
Something else I found really helpful was to purchase a keepsake "baby bean" bracelet with Aidan and Annabelle's due date birth stones from http://myforeverchild.com/ (bracelet pictured above). I couldn't hold my babies, but I wear that bracelet and lovingly kiss and hold my little beans throughout the day alongside their emerald and peridot birth stone beads. I also like it because no one else knows what it means or asks intrusive questions about it.
Additionally, prayer and Scripture reading, which is something I've done daily for years, has taken a new level of priority in my life. This, more than anything, has been getting me through this time and bringing me healing. I record Scriptural promises and pray with more passion while praising God more frequently; this has kept my soul strong and even joyful in the midst of this terrible grief. "The joy of the Lord is my strength." If you have faith and are dealing with a loss: pray, pray, pray. I can't explain it, it's just a God-thing.
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