This is graphic, so please don't read it if you're squeamish or young. It's really meant for women who are considering taking Misoprostol to induce labor for a missed miscarriage, which is what happened to me.
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My OB and RE wanted me to get another D & C but I just couldn't do it. Last time it was the right thing but this time I absolutely could not let anyone take my baby away from me to a lab to be disposed. I needed to see and hold my little one, tell her/him they are loved, and bury them on my own terms with prayers and a sense of a sacred ending. I also wanted to avoid any potential scarring of a second D & C.
I set up my room with candles, calming CD's, a heating pad, and plenty of disposable water proof sheets and Overnight pads in preparation for this. I do recommend those disposable water proof sheets (they can be found near the pads and Depends at the store). I waited until my husband was back from work and could be with me for the whole weekend in case anything went wrong and I needed to get to the hospital.
I prayed and then took four 200mg pills (800 mg) of Misoprostol vaginally at 1:30pm on Friday, hoping to miscarry that night. Preventively I took Advil and then later some Vicodin when some mild cramping started because I read it could get really intense. However, the cramping was light and I only started bleeding a few blood clots around 10:30pm after I took a walk to get things going. Then it stopped and nothing else happened. I slept the night and woke up to some bigger cramps and medium bleeding that again subsided in an hour. I realized the meds just weren't working and was stressed by this because I really wanted to avoid a D & C.
I had my husband get a second dose at the pharmacy and reinserted the same amount at 11am that morning (Saturday). NOTHING happened. I started to cry and get crazy by 7pm and decided to check my cervix. I felt in there and could feel all four of those pills completely intact, not having dissolved at all...no wonder they weren't working. I should have wet them first I guess, but instead I crushed them as much as I could with my fingers up inside me...very messy and unpleasant. I probably lost 1/2 a pill doing this.
However, by 7:30pm, the cramps started. I took Advil at 7:45pm. By 8pm the cramps were turning into contractions and I was bleeding and passing blood clots.
By 9:00pm the bleeding was out of control...I soaked through 6 HUGE overnight Always pads in an hour and was leaking all over the bed and my clothes with every contraction despite the pads. I took the Vicodin but it was too late. By 9:30pm I felt a very strong contraction, ran to the bathroom but pushed the gestational sac out on to my pad before I could make it to the toilet.
It was heart wrenching and amazing at the same time that I could clearly see our little 8 week baby in his/her amniotic sac floating inside the gestational sac/bag of waters....maybe just under an inch long. I cried and held him/her and placed everything in a container so that we could bury him/her.
After that I had one more large contraction and large blood clot came out and the cramps really susbisded. The heating pad was very helpful that night and I mostly felt relief that I had made it through the ordeal. I took a shower and cleaned up the bathroom because it honestly looked like a horror movie in there with all the blood. The Vicodin made me sleep and I went to bed. I passed some more clots at 4am with cramping and took more Vicodin.
Since then I've been bleeding with mild cramping but it was basically a short two hour labor once the meds worked. I have been extremely tired/fatigued since and crying a lot as I try to comprehend this tragic loss.
Tomorrow we hope to do the burial with flowers from the florist and a little black memory box I found. I personally would do the Misoprostol again with pain killers, but make sure they were dissolved/dissolving properly. This method is NOT for the faint hearted or those who are concerned about seeing a lot of blood...it is a VERY visceral experience.
I will go back for an ultrasound to see if everything passed...I am afraid of retained tissue which would mean a D & C, but hoping for the best.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Tragedy Strikes Again
After our last great ultrasound I was at peace for several days. And then...once again, I felt like I was feeling a little bit "too good." My nausea had decreased. On the other hand, all my other symptoms were in full swing...sore breasts, bloating, fatigue. But maybe that was due to the progesterone supplements.
On the morning of our ultrasound at 8 weeks 5 days, I had a terrible sinking feeling. I started crying and telling my husband that this felt "too familiar"...it was the same time, the middle of the 8th week, that we had lost Annabelle and discovered her heart had stopped. It was again a Wednesday too and I felt no assurance from my body that things were okay. I was a nervous wreck, but I also wondered if I was simply having some kind of anniversary depression/angst. I kept imagining, preparing myself, hearing the RE say, "I don't see a heartbeat."
I picked myself up and we went to the RE's office and waited. The news all seemed to be good that day at the office and that gave me a lift, plus I was peeing frequently, and that was a good sign. I got up on the table and the RE inserted the vaginal wand and I waited and watched his face as he looked at the screen. (I couldn't see anything.) His face grew intense and his eyes squinted while his brows wrinkled. That didn't seem good. Then he asked me if I had been spotting...I knew that was really not good. "No" I stuttered. Finally he said, "I'm just not seeing a heart beat. Why don't we look together?" We both looked at the screen then and we saw no movement...nothing, just my little one looking a little bigger than the last time, very still. My heart was pounding out of my chest desperately hoping for something miraculous, but I knew that was the end. He finally said that his machine was not top quality and he thought we should either come back again in a few days to "be sure" or go to a hospital for a more thorough scan now. I opted to go to my OBYN's office for a confirmation scan then. The scan and news was bleak: our little one had died and measured only 7w5d, almost to the milimeter/day what Annabelle did. Surely it was another trisomy and again, very likely due to my husband's meds.
After talking to the doctor on call, I opted out of a D & C, although both he and the RE recommended it strongly. I realize in retrospect that while the procedure was very easy physically for me for the most part, I really disliked being in a public place for that event and having someone take my baby away dismembered to a lab just causes me pain and regret. I never got to see or hold her. And now I just needed to hold and pray over my little one and give him/her a proper burial with some kind of sanctity and honor.
So, this afternoon, I will be taking misoprostol to induce labor. I'm scared about what it will be like and I know the risks are serious if anything goes wrong. But I hope emotionally this will be the better route for me. I'll update later and describe my experience. Oh, Lord have mercy.
On the morning of our ultrasound at 8 weeks 5 days, I had a terrible sinking feeling. I started crying and telling my husband that this felt "too familiar"...it was the same time, the middle of the 8th week, that we had lost Annabelle and discovered her heart had stopped. It was again a Wednesday too and I felt no assurance from my body that things were okay. I was a nervous wreck, but I also wondered if I was simply having some kind of anniversary depression/angst. I kept imagining, preparing myself, hearing the RE say, "I don't see a heartbeat."
I picked myself up and we went to the RE's office and waited. The news all seemed to be good that day at the office and that gave me a lift, plus I was peeing frequently, and that was a good sign. I got up on the table and the RE inserted the vaginal wand and I waited and watched his face as he looked at the screen. (I couldn't see anything.) His face grew intense and his eyes squinted while his brows wrinkled. That didn't seem good. Then he asked me if I had been spotting...I knew that was really not good. "No" I stuttered. Finally he said, "I'm just not seeing a heart beat. Why don't we look together?" We both looked at the screen then and we saw no movement...nothing, just my little one looking a little bigger than the last time, very still. My heart was pounding out of my chest desperately hoping for something miraculous, but I knew that was the end. He finally said that his machine was not top quality and he thought we should either come back again in a few days to "be sure" or go to a hospital for a more thorough scan now. I opted to go to my OBYN's office for a confirmation scan then. The scan and news was bleak: our little one had died and measured only 7w5d, almost to the milimeter/day what Annabelle did. Surely it was another trisomy and again, very likely due to my husband's meds.
After talking to the doctor on call, I opted out of a D & C, although both he and the RE recommended it strongly. I realize in retrospect that while the procedure was very easy physically for me for the most part, I really disliked being in a public place for that event and having someone take my baby away dismembered to a lab just causes me pain and regret. I never got to see or hold her. And now I just needed to hold and pray over my little one and give him/her a proper burial with some kind of sanctity and honor.
So, this afternoon, I will be taking misoprostol to induce labor. I'm scared about what it will be like and I know the risks are serious if anything goes wrong. But I hope emotionally this will be the better route for me. I'll update later and describe my experience. Oh, Lord have mercy.
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