Tragedy Strikes Again

After our last great ultrasound I was at peace for several days. And then...once again, I felt like I was feeling a little bit "too good." My nausea had decreased. On the other hand, all my other symptoms were in full swing...sore breasts, bloating, fatigue. But maybe that was due to the progesterone supplements.

On the morning of our ultrasound at 8 weeks 5 days, I had a terrible sinking feeling. I started crying and telling my husband that this felt "too familiar"...it was the same time, the middle of the 8th week, that we had lost Annabelle and discovered her heart had stopped. It was again a Wednesday too and I felt no assurance from my body that things were okay. I was a nervous wreck, but I also wondered if I was simply having some kind of anniversary depression/angst. I kept imagining, preparing myself, hearing the RE say, "I don't see a heartbeat."

I picked myself up and we went to the RE's office and waited. The news all seemed to be good that day at the office and that gave me a lift, plus I was peeing frequently, and that was a good sign. I got up on the table and the RE inserted the vaginal wand and I waited and watched his face as he looked at the screen. (I couldn't see anything.) His face grew intense and his eyes squinted while his brows wrinkled. That didn't seem good. Then he asked me if I had been spotting...I knew that was really not good. "No" I stuttered. Finally he said, "I'm just not seeing a heart beat. Why don't we look together?" We both looked at the screen then and we saw no movement...nothing, just my little one looking a little bigger than the last time, very still. My heart was pounding out of my chest desperately hoping for something miraculous, but I knew that was the end. He finally said that his machine was not top quality and he thought we should either come back again in a few days to "be sure" or go to a hospital for a more thorough scan now. I opted to go to my OBYN's office for a confirmation scan then. The scan and news was bleak: our little one had died and measured only 7w5d, almost to the milimeter/day what Annabelle did. Surely it was another trisomy and again, very likely due to my husband's meds.

After talking to the doctor on call, I opted out of a D & C, although both he and the RE recommended it strongly. I realize in retrospect that while the procedure was very easy physically for me for the most part, I really disliked being in a public place for that event and having someone take my baby away dismembered to a lab just causes me pain and regret. I never got to see or hold her. And now I just needed to hold and pray over my little one and give him/her a proper burial with some kind of sanctity and honor.

So, this afternoon, I will be taking misoprostol to induce labor. I'm scared about what it will be like and I know the risks are serious if anything goes wrong. But I hope emotionally this will be the better route for me. I'll update later and describe my experience. Oh, Lord have mercy.