Fourth Loss in a Row: Chemical Pregnancy

Well, I needed some time to re-group after learning that the HCG failed to double and that I was having a chemical pregnancy this month. My betas never got very high...they started at 13 (lab confirmed) and then went up to about 40 (my estimate) and then dipped back down to 16 (lab confirmed), before my OB told me the pregnancy was not viable. I already knew by then because my pregnancy tests were not getting darker. It's just not true that a "line is a line" when it comes to early losses, particularly when dealing with recurrent loss situations. Lines should be getting darker every 2-3 days over several days, even accounting for urine concentration and dye amounts on most tests. One lighter test or tests the same color within 24 hours of each other do not mean anything, but over several days, it becomes a worrisome sign. When my HCG was doubling properly with previous pregnancies, my tests did visibly darken every 2-3 days.

Here is the progression of my tests from my chemical. You can see they did not get very dark, then held steady, and then began to get lighter:

There are lines IRL on Days 10-18DPO. On 11DPO my beta was 13. On 17DPO it was 16. HCG appears to have peaked about 14DPO. I began to bleed on 20DPO (4w5d) but was having some painful cramping, so I tested again at 22DPO (last test) to make sure it was negative and it was. I feared I was having an ectopic with this pregnancy because I had quite a bit of pain on my right side. I'll never know if that was the case since it was such an early loss, but I am grateful it did not become an issue. I am also grateful it was not a later loss, which is much more difficult physically and emotionally. I am trying to find grace in this wherever I can.

This is my first -known- chemical. I may have had one or more before but wasn't paying close enough attention. My other losses were later after I was quite late, so this was a somewhat new experience in that I never did get my hopes up the way I did with my other losses. That made it easier certainly. It still hurts and, more than anything, creates an even deeper fear that we're just never going to get a take home baby and my time is running out. That's the worst part of it.

So, we will be on a TTC break now since the hubbie is out of town during this cycle. In an attempt to find hope, I am thinking that we may try naturally for a few more months but I am really going to investigate "mini-IVF." I'll post more about that later.

14 DPO and Still Unsure

My tests on 13DPO were disappointing: the Answer Early was a tad darker but the Wondfo was actually lighter than 12DPO. I started to feel very anxious and took another Wondfo around 8pm after a 5 hour hold and it was even lighter than 12DPO. I decided I needed to accept that this pregnancy wasn't going to make it, that my lines were getting lighter and would continue that way, and I did a lot praying and attempting to let go. It was a painful night.

I dejectedly took a Wondfo today at 14 DPO at 3pm after a 6-7 hour hold fully expecting it to be BFN or nearly invisible. Once again I was taken off guard when it turned darker than any tests to date. I bought a new package of Answer Early's and it was about the same, perhaps lighter. I took an IC and that was dramatically darker though, which made me smile... about three times as dark as yesterday's. So...mixed results from the tests but I feel like as long as they're getting darker, then I'm not out yet.

Tomorrow I go in for my second beta. I feel like the numbers are going to be low and I'm really anxious/scared about the results. I'm not expecting good news, but every now and then, I have a moment of hope that maybe things will turn out all right.

I think I may need to seriously "step away from the pee sticks" like everyone always advises. I see that with every test I am up and down and can't really see the "forest" through the trees. Perhaps testing every other day would be a good compromise: I can check to see how things are progressing but not obsess over lines every day. There is a much more noticeable difference between tests every other day anyway.

I will wait and see how the betas go...hopefully I'll know something tomorrow.

A Very Faint BFP and Ensuing Roller Coaster

I've had a ton of pregnancy symptoms this cycle, beginning as early as 1 DPO, which is unusual. My symptoms have included shortness of breath, excess saliva, bleeding gums, extreme bloating (such that my clothes hurt), shooting "letdown" sensations in my breast/nipple area followed by some leaking colostrum (that's a new one for me), terrible gas, sore/scratchy throat and a bad backache: every symptom I've had in previous BFP cycles. I believe I felt implantation pains on 9DPO (I also think I may have ovulated out of both ovaries, about 12 hours apart due to the specific pains I felt on O day.)

So this Wednesday, June 8th, on what should be 10 DPO, I got the faintest of faintest lines on 2 Wondfo home pregnancy tests. I took a FRER and it was BFN (big fat negative).

Here's the Wondfo's, for you squinters (they are very hard to see but there irl):



So I wanted to back these up and went and bought two blue dye tests that afternoon and took 2 and those also had very faint but visible lines. I took another FRER that night and it was still BFN. (Those Wondfo's are REALLY sensitive.)

I assumed that by the next day, 24 hours later, the lines would be quite a bit darker if things were progressing well. Unfortunately, the lines were still super faint in the morning with FMU (first morning urine). I assumed, very sadly, that this was going to be a chemical pregnancy/an early loss. That has been my line of thinking ever since, but I'm trying to see the forest through the trees right now and feel very much "on the edge of my seat," waiting anxiously.

That evening, Thursday, I took another Wondfo at 11DPO and the line was more visible/darker by a bit. Here is that test:

I followed that with the last of the blue dye tests and it was visibly darker than the previous days', but still faint. As I took a walk that evening I realized that my symptoms were still very much present and I started to feel a little bit more hopeful, thinking "just wait and see." I came back home and dipped an Answer Early and got this and decided it was a true BFP although faint:

In the morning, now 12 DPO, I tested again with FMU on a Wondfo and the line looked exactly the same as the previous morning's and lighter than previous evening's. I felt that it was confirmation again that this really is the start of an early loss. I spent the day feeling sad/down but resigned to the reality. Still, I tested again at 3pm, expecting to see a BFN, but this time the Wondfo looked noticeably darker. That encouraged me to take another test, including another Answer Early and digital and I got this result:



I took a FRER and it was a faint BFP too. My emotional roller started back up again because it means that the hcg must be increasing, not decreasing, so it means I am not out yet. Whether or not the hcg is increasing enough is now my concern, and that can only be known through a blood test to check my beta numbers. I had my blood drawn on Thursday and will have it drawn again this Monday and then find out what is going on for sure.

I have felt totally pessimistic for the last 2 days but am trying to hold out some hope. Looking at my tests from the last few days I see that my FMU tests are always a lot lighter than later in the day, so I am going to stop testing with FMU because it makes my whole day a downer. I will hold and test now in the afternoon or early evening (unless my lines darken sufficiently).

I also looked through the test galleries and realized that the tests in the early days of a BFP don't look much darker for a lot of women. Pondering why that would be, I assume because the numbers are so low, the difference between the doubling of a 3 and a 6 would not be too noticeable. Later on, when doubling goes from say 20 to 40, you would visibly see the difference. That may be an explanation as to why my lines have not appeared a lot darker over these past few days.

The positive thing is that over the past 3 days, the trend has been that my lines have darkened, even if only a little bit. That is the "forest" in all of this. Also, my lines match a lot of gallery photos for my DPO. The negative thing is that they are still very light and haven't changed a whole lot.

So, I will retest later today and see where that leaves me. I am not out of the woods yet and have to take it one day at a time. My strategy is to think very incrementally, just seeing whether I make it through one day at a time. With three losses under my belt, it's hard to believe anything would go well this time. So, I am praying and hoping against hope.

Please Lord, let this be our sticky, rainbow baby.