Fourth Loss in a Row: Chemical Pregnancy

Well, I needed some time to re-group after learning that the HCG failed to double and that I was having a chemical pregnancy this month. My betas never got very high...they started at 13 (lab confirmed) and then went up to about 40 (my estimate) and then dipped back down to 16 (lab confirmed), before my OB told me the pregnancy was not viable. I already knew by then because my pregnancy tests were not getting darker. It's just not true that a "line is a line" when it comes to early losses, particularly when dealing with recurrent loss situations. Lines should be getting darker every 2-3 days over several days, even accounting for urine concentration and dye amounts on most tests. One lighter test or tests the same color within 24 hours of each other do not mean anything, but over several days, it becomes a worrisome sign. When my HCG was doubling properly with previous pregnancies, my tests did visibly darken every 2-3 days.

Here is the progression of my tests from my chemical. You can see they did not get very dark, then held steady, and then began to get lighter:

There are lines IRL on Days 10-18DPO. On 11DPO my beta was 13. On 17DPO it was 16. HCG appears to have peaked about 14DPO. I began to bleed on 20DPO (4w5d) but was having some painful cramping, so I tested again at 22DPO (last test) to make sure it was negative and it was. I feared I was having an ectopic with this pregnancy because I had quite a bit of pain on my right side. I'll never know if that was the case since it was such an early loss, but I am grateful it did not become an issue. I am also grateful it was not a later loss, which is much more difficult physically and emotionally. I am trying to find grace in this wherever I can.

This is my first -known- chemical. I may have had one or more before but wasn't paying close enough attention. My other losses were later after I was quite late, so this was a somewhat new experience in that I never did get my hopes up the way I did with my other losses. That made it easier certainly. It still hurts and, more than anything, creates an even deeper fear that we're just never going to get a take home baby and my time is running out. That's the worst part of it.

So, we will be on a TTC break now since the hubbie is out of town during this cycle. In an attempt to find hope, I am thinking that we may try naturally for a few more months but I am really going to investigate "mini-IVF." I'll post more about that later.