The outcome of this fourth Neupogen cycle is yet to be seen, but last night I hit a gigantic rock solid wall: we have too many obstacles to overcome for this to ever work. I am doctorless now because of some new policies with my specialist in NY who will no longer monitor patients out of state. My husband's sperm fragmentation is sky high (24%) and the most recent studies are showing that a live birth with this kind of fragmentation, even with IVF, is slim to none, especially given my aging and limited eggs. My body is clashing with his genetics with our 6 HLA matches, and even if we can overcome that with medicine/Neupogen, we can't clear the other obstacles. What hit me last night was the truth I've been running from for these 3 loooooong years of infertility: we are NEVER going to make a healthy baby between us. It's as if the universe is sending me a message...and I am finally able to hear it: 6 miscarriages, 5 failed medicated cycles, and 32 more failed natural cycles later. I assumed though, that my husband, who has been so negative about alternatives to natural conception for so long (eg adoption, sperm donors, IVF, etc.), would never go for what seems like the only option left to us. In fact, his unwillingness almost lead to a divorce just 2 years ago until I gave in and dropped the whole subject.
But tonight, I took a deep breath, said a prayer, and gave him my reasons for wanting to move on to embryo "adoption" (okay, that's not the legal term, but it makes intuitive sense)...basically to have healthy donor embryos transferred into my healthy uterus. I am completely humbled and in awe by my husband's reaction after I made my case...he said, "I love you and I want you to be happy and so yes, let's look into this." I pressed him a bit more, somewhat in shock, and learned that he agrees with me and is actually excited about it too, and he is willing for us to sign up and start looking at potential matches right away! We even agreed on a clinic and program in California. To say that I am elated and on Cloud 9 would be a huge understatement: I started crying the most joyful tears imaginable as we held each other a long time on the couch. He is my new hero and I am falling in love with him all over again. He amazes me...just when I think I "know" what he will do and say, he catches me off guard and shows me a side I didn't know was there. And I know it's a huge leap for him: the sadness of never having a biological child of his own...and yet, he is able to see past this.
This is an amazing, momentous night, and I am going to look back on this day, July 31st, with deep joy, because tonight we begin the journey of a thousand steps that I truly believe will finally lead us to the miracle I've been praying for, for these many years. The fact that my husband's heart has been changed to accept this new path is a miracle in and of itself, for which I thank God.
And I never, never want to forget what this decision, his love, and this night means to me. This is our new direction, this is the way forward, and I am not going to look back with regret ever.
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