Late on a Friday night it occurred to me that I was "late"....like a week late. How had that passed me by? I had been so busy. But then, it was only July and perhaps my body was still regulating itself after being off the Pill and my cycles were just off? But, come to think of it, my breasts were very tender and I was feeling overly tired, and that had been going on awhile. On Saturday I made the trip to the store for a test and took it...it was faint but it was there...2 pink lines. Did a faint line mean it was a positive?!? I didn't know. I called my best friend and she convinced me to go get some early tests and re-test to be sure, but, she assured me, "You're soooo knocked up!" As I drove to the store it hit me: I wanted to be pregnant so badly, and I was going to be completely crushed if the next test was negative. I saw 3, yes THREE pregnant women in the parking lot just parking my car. I smiled and winked up at God: it was a sign! I purchased the much-too-expensive tests while the clerk smiled and wished me "good luck!" I drove home like a maniac, heart pounding.
My body shook as I took 2 more tests: and both were very clearly positive! There was elation and celebration, I was so happy that I told my husband right away and we shared the news with our daughter as soon as she woke up from her nap. "Mommy has a baby in her tummy who is going to be your brother or sister!" We hugged and cried as she cheered. She had been asking for a sibling for months. We gave no thought to the possibility that this wasn't the beginning of a wonderful 9 months that would lead to our second child. We called our parents and the whole family and celebrated that night over dinner. My heart was full of joy and immediately I started making plans: baby names? the nursery? do we need a new car seat? should I see a midwife or an OB? when can I get in for my first prenatal exam? I signed up for all the online "May due date birth clubs" and pregnancy e-newsletters and jumped into pregnancy with both feet. I was 5 weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier.
That week, on Tuesday, I had to drive a long distance for a conference along with another colleague. As we talked, I confided my good news to him only to learn that his wife had the same news! We were absolutely giddy. Suddenly, a huge rock, actually a boulder, bounded down the hillside and headed straight for my car. Thank heavens it missed the windsheild and struck the left bumper. We were okay, surely the angels had protected us and my little baby! What a story we had to tell. The repairs were over $3000...but the boulder had hit in "just the right place." As I walked the dog that night, I was thanking God for his protection and for this wonderful little growing baby inside me. I felt great physically and mentally and I couldn't remember feeling this joyful in such a long time. Elation doesn't even describe it.
The next morning I woke up and hugged my daughter, but as we sat down, I suddenly noticed blood on on my pj's. Sheer panic ensued: what do I do? I had not even established myself with an OB and already I was in trouble! I needed a doctor to see me and to see me right now! I cried and elevated my feet, called the office to take a sick day and tried my best to get an OB to see me. I managed to get in to an office farther north of the city, but I would take whatever I could get because they promised to do an emergency ultrasound right then. The bleeding kept coming...I was seriously tortured and sobbing the whole way: I CANNOT lose this baby, I'm already in love with this little one! I called my husband and best friend..."pray!"
Before my husband could arrive, I was whisked back to the ultrasound room at the OBGYN's. As I looked at the screen I realized something was very wrong: there was no little baby bean with a beating heart...just a collapsed sac and blood everywhere. Could there still be hope? I knew it was unlikely. I met the OB for the first time that morning to get the grim news: I was indeed miscarrying. I was 5 weeks and 4 days along, not even to the 6 week mark. My husband arrived at the office in time to get the news and hold me while I cried and stumbled, blurry eyed, out of the office. We went home and held each other in bed, while I sobbed the rest of the day as the bleeding and cramping increased. This continued for several days and it was hell going back to work: I obsessed over everything happening with and in my body and my soul was truly tortured.
The next few weeks were dark and full of grief and tears for this little one that had been a part of our lives for such a short time. But what a time it was! The joy this little one had brought us was so intense and so blessed. If I had ever doubted wanting another child, those doubts were now gone forever.
We named the little one "Aidan" after a favorite Celtic saint known for his kindness and generosity (choosing a name was the advice of a very helpful miscarriage website to help women deal with their grief: http://pregnancyloss.info/). I had no idea the emotional pain and sense of loss would be so intense after an early miscarriage. I felt so naive, even foolish and wondered if I had done anything wrong to cause it. But since the day I lost my Aidan, it became my sole desire to have another baby. Life is not going to make sense and our family will not be whole until we have another baby. Maybe this is irrational, but it is a drive stronger than I have experienced before. I cannot explain it logically. I have asked God to take away the desire if it's not in God's will for us. Still it remains.
My body shook as I took 2 more tests: and both were very clearly positive! There was elation and celebration, I was so happy that I told my husband right away and we shared the news with our daughter as soon as she woke up from her nap. "Mommy has a baby in her tummy who is going to be your brother or sister!" We hugged and cried as she cheered. She had been asking for a sibling for months. We gave no thought to the possibility that this wasn't the beginning of a wonderful 9 months that would lead to our second child. We called our parents and the whole family and celebrated that night over dinner. My heart was full of joy and immediately I started making plans: baby names? the nursery? do we need a new car seat? should I see a midwife or an OB? when can I get in for my first prenatal exam? I signed up for all the online "May due date birth clubs" and pregnancy e-newsletters and jumped into pregnancy with both feet. I was 5 weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier.
That week, on Tuesday, I had to drive a long distance for a conference along with another colleague. As we talked, I confided my good news to him only to learn that his wife had the same news! We were absolutely giddy. Suddenly, a huge rock, actually a boulder, bounded down the hillside and headed straight for my car. Thank heavens it missed the windsheild and struck the left bumper. We were okay, surely the angels had protected us and my little baby! What a story we had to tell. The repairs were over $3000...but the boulder had hit in "just the right place." As I walked the dog that night, I was thanking God for his protection and for this wonderful little growing baby inside me. I felt great physically and mentally and I couldn't remember feeling this joyful in such a long time. Elation doesn't even describe it.
The next morning I woke up and hugged my daughter, but as we sat down, I suddenly noticed blood on on my pj's. Sheer panic ensued: what do I do? I had not even established myself with an OB and already I was in trouble! I needed a doctor to see me and to see me right now! I cried and elevated my feet, called the office to take a sick day and tried my best to get an OB to see me. I managed to get in to an office farther north of the city, but I would take whatever I could get because they promised to do an emergency ultrasound right then. The bleeding kept coming...I was seriously tortured and sobbing the whole way: I CANNOT lose this baby, I'm already in love with this little one! I called my husband and best friend..."pray!"
Before my husband could arrive, I was whisked back to the ultrasound room at the OBGYN's. As I looked at the screen I realized something was very wrong: there was no little baby bean with a beating heart...just a collapsed sac and blood everywhere. Could there still be hope? I knew it was unlikely. I met the OB for the first time that morning to get the grim news: I was indeed miscarrying. I was 5 weeks and 4 days along, not even to the 6 week mark. My husband arrived at the office in time to get the news and hold me while I cried and stumbled, blurry eyed, out of the office. We went home and held each other in bed, while I sobbed the rest of the day as the bleeding and cramping increased. This continued for several days and it was hell going back to work: I obsessed over everything happening with and in my body and my soul was truly tortured.
The next few weeks were dark and full of grief and tears for this little one that had been a part of our lives for such a short time. But what a time it was! The joy this little one had brought us was so intense and so blessed. If I had ever doubted wanting another child, those doubts were now gone forever.
We named the little one "Aidan" after a favorite Celtic saint known for his kindness and generosity (choosing a name was the advice of a very helpful miscarriage website to help women deal with their grief: http://pregnancyloss.info/). I had no idea the emotional pain and sense of loss would be so intense after an early miscarriage. I felt so naive, even foolish and wondered if I had done anything wrong to cause it. But since the day I lost my Aidan, it became my sole desire to have another baby. Life is not going to make sense and our family will not be whole until we have another baby. Maybe this is irrational, but it is a drive stronger than I have experienced before. I cannot explain it logically. I have asked God to take away the desire if it's not in God's will for us. Still it remains.
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