The Donor Embryo Cycle Begins

I've never been so happy to pop a pill before...every morning since CD 3 I have been taking a birth control pill to quiet my ovaries until I start Lupron next Wednesday. The way I see it, each pill is getting me one day closer to the transfer of our little DEmbies.  Eeeeee!!

I took great satisfaction today in re-arranging my cupboard in order to accommodate and organize all my meds. It's like a doctor's office in there with all the needles and vials and swabs. My eyes widen every time I look at the jumbo 22 gauge Progesterone needles though! They are freaky big.

Here is my cycle schedule:

Sept. 8th- CD 3:  Start birth control pills

Sept. 17th- CD 10: Baseline Ultrasound at the RE's (beg for Intralipid Rx)

Sept. 19th- CD 12: Begin Lupron injections in the morning! 10 units sub q.

Sept. 20th -CD 13: Stop birth control pills (last day on the 19th).

Sept. 24th- CD 17: Reduce Lupron to 5 units. Begin Vivelle (estrogen) patches- 2 patches .1mg every 2 days.

Oct. 8th- CD 31: Fly to CA for the lining check!

~Oct. 9-14th: Donor Egg retrieval- Stop Lupron. Begin Progesterone injections - 1 ml. Continue Vivelle.

~Oct. 14-19th: Fly to CA for Transfer!

The big question weighing on my mind right now is whether to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. I wouldn't mind 2 babies, I just fear the complications of a twin pregnancy, especially when I'm already so fearful of problems with my cervix given all the disruptions to it during the miscarriages and Asherman's surgeries. At the same time, I'm very fearful that the the embies won't stick given my history of RPL and 2 really ups our chances of getting preggers. I'm praying for wisdom on this question.

Goodbye August Embryo

While it would have been amazing if we'd had a real miracle happen in our miracle month, it didn't. My betas were measured and were only 9 and then 11. I have to go back tomorrow for another blood draw to make sure they're going down to zero. It's really unnecessary since the pee sticks don't lie and they're almost negative now. But I will go back to prove to the clinic that I'm really not preggers anymore. 

While it was a completely chain yanking experience to get a lovely BFP on our last TTC cycle before the donor embryo cycle, I will say that part of me is relieved. Relieved because I would have been worried sick every single moment, waiting for the shoe to drop. I have come to believe we just cannot get our sperm/egg combo to make a baby. Period.  So, the much safer and much less scary option is to move forward with the donor embies...where healthy sperm and egg come together to make a healthy embryo. And a learned embryologist can study the embryo and see what we're dealing with before putting another embryo back into my uterus. 

I want to make another entry about that process...but for now, I am disappointed this didn't work out. And to realize we're up to 8 (known) losses is pretty stunning. I am on the far edge of the statistics, beating the odds in all the wrong ways. 

I asked DH if we could nickname this embryo "August." He agreed. We both like the name, it happened in August, and all our Angel babies are "A" names. So...goodbye dear August, I wish you could have stayed. 

Time to Play "What does this line mean?"

I got the oh-so coveted + digital today...there is something about reading the words "Pregnant" that makes it all seem real. However, I am far from comforted because I am playing the "what does this line mean?" game. You play this by peeing on pee sticks and comparing them to earlier pee sticks for ages to see if they are getting "appropriately darker."  What is appropriately darker? I dunno, this is definitely not an exact science. All kinds of things can change the lines in any given test, so it is notoriously unreliable: urine concentration, what you ate/drank, the sensitivity of the particular test, the dye amount, etc.  Do women do this anyway? Heck yeah. The reason is that over several days, lines that don't darken up are indicative of a chemical pregnancy. I've been there, done that. It is limbo time though for sure. I had some kind of progress in hcg because my FMU and SMU tests were darker than yesterday's...noticeably. And while I had a negative digi yesterday, it's positive today.  But was it enough of an increase? I don't know, I wish it were darker.  But then I had to go and ruin it anyway by taking one (okay three) tests with late evening urine tonight and they came up looking WAY lighter.  So...back to the pessimism. 

The thing is, any little bit of hope that a slightly darker test provides, can actually become crushed hope later: I've had too many losses to feel confident and to fear this hope. So instead it's like going from worry to worry. I know I shouldn't play this pee stick game, but until I get 2 beta results, it's all I have to prepare myself for what might be coming.  I should get a beta result on Tuesday and hopefully get another drawn then too.  Then I'll be in beta purgatory. But for now, I'm just playing the pee stick line game...and it's really not fun. Every time I do it, I'm filled with anxiety...if only I could stop playing. 

My Miracle Month Part II: The Plot Thickens

I am 10DPO today and as of last night, we have a BFP on our hands (above) on this, our very last TTC cycle before moving on to donor embryos. I wish I could say I'm purely happy, but I am scared to pieces and primarily fearful about this being yet another loss that will cause us to lose the wonderful DEmbryo match that we signed on the dotted line for just 24 hours prior to getting this shocking BFP.

My mind is racing..there is excitement in the sense of "Maybe this is really it...DH and I will finally get our take home baby!" and then there is the more dominant voice of "Oh no, not again, why now?? I can't handle another loss and I don't want to lose our DEmbies..we're almost there!!"

So, trying to be rational now, and here are the possibilities as I see them:

1.  This will be yet another chemical pregnancy that will only set us back a few days and we will continue as scheduled with the DEmbryo cycle. This seems the most likely thing given our history and multiple chemical pregnancies.

2. This will be a long, drawn out miscarriage cycle that will cause us to lose our DEmbryos (a double loss), and we will have to wait quite awhile before we can move on to new DEmbryos. (I can't even think about things like late term loss, a D & C or D &E, or messing up my uterus again.)

3. I feel this is the least likely scenario, but would truly be the "miracle" that we have hoped and prayed for these past 3+ years of TTC: we will actually carry this pregnancy to term and have our long awaited take-home-baby.

Obviously my main fear is around #2.  But, I have to say, no matter what happens, I will survive and no one can ever say I didn't do everything I possibly could to have a baby with DH. So, for now, I am praying, trusting, and doing everything I can to give this very early pregnancy a shot.  Lord... have mercy.