I got the oh-so coveted + digital today...there is something about reading the words "Pregnant" that makes it all seem real. However, I am far from comforted because I am playing the "what does this line mean?" game. You play this by peeing on pee sticks and comparing them to earlier pee sticks for ages to see if they are getting "appropriately darker." What is appropriately darker? I dunno, this is definitely not an exact science. All kinds of things can change the lines in any given test, so it is notoriously unreliable: urine concentration, what you ate/drank, the sensitivity of the particular test, the dye amount, etc. Do women do this anyway? Heck yeah. The reason is that over several days, lines that don't darken up are indicative of a chemical pregnancy. I've been there, done that. It is limbo time though for sure. I had some kind of progress in hcg because my FMU and SMU tests were darker than yesterday's...noticeably. And while I had a negative digi yesterday, it's positive today. But was it enough of an increase? I don't know, I wish it were darker. But then I had to go and ruin it anyway by taking one (okay three) tests with late evening urine tonight and they came up looking WAY lighter. So...back to the pessimism.
The thing is, any little bit of hope that a slightly darker test provides, can actually become crushed hope later: I've had too many losses to feel confident and to fear this hope. So instead it's like going from worry to worry. I know I shouldn't play this pee stick game, but until I get 2 beta results, it's all I have to prepare myself for what might be coming. I should get a beta result on Tuesday and hopefully get another drawn then too. Then I'll be in beta purgatory. But for now, I'm just playing the pee stick line game...and it's really not fun. Every time I do it, I'm filled with anxiety...if only I could stop playing.
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