Ultrasounds!

So I'm finally out of beta purgatory! But it has been a rather rocky road getting there. I had a very, very brief in & out type of ultrasound at the RE's office last Wednesday at 6 weeks 5 days along. Basically, he quickly slipped the transvaginal ultrasound in, made sure there was a fetal pole and heart beat and was done. He took no measurements and said he was only interested in whether anything was happening in there or not. I was happy about the heart beat but worried because he said it looked like I was not as far along as I knew I was. He also said the heartbeat looked "pretty slow" which is not what I wanted to hear. The husband and I left the office feeling ambivalent. Then they took my progesterone levels and it had DROPPED from 23.6 to 16.7. That's when I started freaking out. They put me on vaginal progesterone suppositories (eww...losts of white powder) and I think that has helped, but again, this was not a good sign in my eyes. (And don't even ask me how long it took me to figure out how to use the applicator to insert the dang things!)

And then I woke up the next morning and ALL of my terrible nausea and constipation was completely gone. So I completely lost my mind. I panicked and cried all the way to the office. I know that feeling "not pregnant" and "fine" at about 7 weeks is a very, very bad sign. When I went to see my spiritual director later that day I even told her point blank that I was miscarrying. I had no doubt whatsoever. I was sure of this fact for a 3 full days and I continued to feel completely normal and not pregnant. It was so depressing and I felt like I was postponing the inevitable.

And then suddenly on Sunday morning I felt nauseated again...terribly. I was elated!! I was so beyond thrilled to be sick and it gave me a tiny ounce of hope again. I called the OB after the weekend and she wanted to do yet another beta given my disappearing symptoms. The results came back on Tuesday and it was all the way up to 60,812. Wow. I was hoping for just over 30,000, so my hope continued to rise. (Apparently my numbers are the average for a 9 week, not 7 week pregnancy.)

But the true test would be the second ultrasound and I knew it. The OB had me come in today for a "viability scan" (don't you love that clinical term?) where they basically do all the measurements of everything imagineable of the uterus, ovaries, sac, and baby. It was not until that moment that I felt the shackles of beta purgatory start to loosen. As she focused on the gestational sac we saw right there our tiny little baby bean with a very clear heart just beating away beautifully!! I squeezed my husband's shoulder tightly. It was better than I had hoped.

She checked the heart rate and it was a very strong 159 beats per minute. Little one is measuring only 2 days behind now as 7 weeks 3 days (I think I'm 7 weeks 5 days) but that's okay. The Crown-Rump length (CRL) was nearly 12 millimeters and that's right about average for this week.

Afterwards we met with the OBGYN and she let me know that they found a second gestational sac. (I wondered what that was on the screen.) Sadly, it is most likely the result of a twin that didn't make it...so a fraternal twin since it had its' own sac, which is the result of 2 different eggs being fertilized. She said that probably explained my big jump in symptoms that was followed by the big decrease. "Vanishing twin" she called it.

I realize now that I really had miscarried, so it was not all in my mind. It's just that we had 2 in there and we didn't know it. I feel melancholy about this news, but then again I'm so thrilled that one of the little ones made it and is doing well right now. I am just going to count my blessings and thank God for the good news. Now, for the first time, I really -feel- emotionally pregnant, like there's truly 2 of us...and it feels so good for the time being. I know we're not out of the woods, but we have passed a major milestone today.

Beta Purgatory

Okay, this stage of pregnancy feels like purgatory to me. The image at the left is a painting of souls trapped in purgatory from Notre Dame. I'm pregnant at the moment, now just over 5 weeks along, so I'm certainly not in hell, but I'm far from being in heaven because I'm so fearful of another loss and I'm just waiting and hoping that all will be well.

I had my beta's done (blood work to check how much HCG-human chorionic gonadotropin or 'pregnancy hormone' is being produced). These numbers cannot guarantee any particular outcome, but they do provide a glimpse into the potential viability of the pregnancy. They are apart of my purgatory torture. My beta's with my last pregnancy started out quite low, and having researched this a lot since then, I now see that things were not going well from the beginning. However, my doubling time was excellent, so my low numbers at the beginning were overlooked.

Here are my beta's from my last pregnancy and miscarriage:

16 DPO: 63

18 DPO: 440

Here are my beta's from my current pregnancy:

12 DPO: 40

14 DPO: 122

17 DPO: 453

As you can see, my early beta's were are a lot higher this time around, and based on my doubling time, my day 16 beta would be about 300...quite a lot more than 63. This brings me some comfort, although I can't help wishing they were even higher just to give me some extra assurance. For now I can only hope and pray, because again, nothing is certain.

Here is a study I came across and saved the last time I was pregnant...it freaked me out at the time, and now I see it was predictive of my sad outcome.

16 DPO Beta Study...What your Beta may mean:

From: http://www.squidoo.com/16dpo

25 - 50 hCG at 16dpo -- Four women in this study had hCG levels below 50 at this stage. The researchers concluded that with these levels less than 25% would continue on with their pregnancy with more than 75% miscarrying.

50 - 100 hCG at 16dpo -- Of 16 women, 25% continued on with their pregnancies.

100 - 199 hCG at 16dpo -- Of 27 women with these levels, 73% continued on with their pregnancies.

200 - 299 hCG at 16dpo -- Of 48 women, 96% continued on with their pregnancies

Over 300 hCG -- All 105 women continued on with their pregnancies.

And another study I found from OBGYN News:

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0CYD/is_11_40/ai_n16599521/

A quote:

"The investigators reviewed all IVF pregnancies at the New Jersey center from June 1998 to March 2004. A total of 53 patients did not have a fetal heartbeat at the end of the first trimester. Their mean [beta]-HCG levels were 56 mIU/mL on day 16, and 115 mIU/mL on day 18, with an average slope of 24 mIU/mL.

Levels and slopes were much higher for the remaining 269 women with viable pregnancies with mean levels of 216 mIU/mL on day 16 and 505 mIU/mL on day 18, with an average slope of 140 mIU/mL.

Most of the women, 180, had singleton pregnancies. Their average [beta]-HCG levels were 169 mIU/mL on day 16 and 401 mIU/mL on day 18. The researchers noted that the average slope of 111 mIU/mL was 4.62 times higher than in the pregnancies that were not viable."

I know women who have had great outcomes with low betas, but I was not one of them. I also know of women who had losses even with high betas. For now I will continue to place myself and my little one in God's hands, knowing anything may happen. And I am grateful that I am pregnant at this moment: thank you God. Of course, I don't know when I'll be out of this purgatory...perhaps not until (and unless) I deliver a healthy baby. Give me strength.

My Early Pregnancy Symptoms

Okay, so I managed to get another, much clearer positive pregnancy test again today (pictured above). I really do have to take it just one day at a time. In the mean time, since I spent so much time answering one woman's question on FF about early pregnancy symptoms, I thought I'd actually post them here, for posterity. Heh.

I am THE QUEEN of symptoms. Seriously, it is deeply embarrassing. I am either the most in-tune person with my body (in other words, crazy woman) or I actually just always have tons of hormonal things going on that I can't avoid noticing...PMS has always been severe for me.

Here are my early pregnancy symptoms, as of today, 11 DPO, in no particular order:

1. Enlarged/heavy breasts very soon after ovulation. They're always tender but not usually heavier until closer to my period. Bra feels uncomfortable.

2. Speaking of breasts, yesterday morning, before testing, I noticed in the mirror that my Montgomery Tubercles were really showing and more obvious/plentiful. And my nipples were itchy!

3. Shortness of breath during moderate activity. At times it feels like I can't quite take a deep enough breath. This was really noticeable on 9 DPO.

4. This symptom has happened w/every pregnancy: I just feel FAT...clothes don't fit right or look good. I always bloat w/PMS, but this comes on sooner and is a more general feeling.

5. Increased gas...for 4 days in a row now. Horrible! (TMI)

6. A few severe, very quick sharp pains, like round ligament pain, that feels like a charlie horse type cramp in the uterine area. That hit on 6 DPO and made me really wonder, since I only get that in pregnancy. It first hit on 9 DPO on my last BFP cycle.

7. Increased thirst started just yesterday at 10 DPO, which leads to drinking more fluids.

8. Increased fatigue, along w/feeling a bit feverish at times when I get tired.

9. A lot more cervical fluid starting at 4 DPO.

10. Irritable, everything is annoying...like severe PMS but this started at about 7/8 DPO.

11. Sleeplessness: I can't go to sleep at bedtime but then wake early even though I'm tired.

12. Let's talk cramps: At 3 DPO it felt like I was ovulating again through 5 DPO...basic ovulation pains again. At about 6 DPO the cramping felt like a dull, almost burning ache, but all on one side, that continued all day and radiated around the entire area/side. They subsided a bit, off and on, but continued to favor one side for the most part. Yesterday the only thing was a knot feeling just to the right of my belly button (but internally). Today it feels more like a lot of little knot sensations/cramps all over. '

13. More back pain, almost like I'm wondering if I injured it a tad. For a few days off and on, my legs felt achy, like I just worked out.

14. Bleeding gums when I brushed my teeth on 9 DPO. Apparently it's a symptom. I've read about it but my gums never bleed, so I took note.

15. Mild heartburn after almost each meal. I usually don't have this unless I REALLY over eat.

16. Seriously increased appetite, but it's more that I eat and get hungry sooner, like I'm famished.

17. Also strange and noticeable symptom related to eating: once I'm full, I feel like I'll hurl if I take another bite. I have to literally push the food away from me.

18. Craving and eating more protein. 2% milk started sounding super good, when I don't usually drink it and I ate through tons of soy veggie meat (I'm vegetarian).

19. Headaches almost every day for the past week.

20. Metallic or just "off" taste in my mouth that comes and goes...makes me want to chew more gum.

21. Stuffy nose every morning when I awake since about 3 DPO.

22. Not thinking as quickly/clearly, like a space cadet when I'm usually always so on top of things.

23. My intuition/brain told me "You ARE pregnant" quite a few times.

24. Diarrhea...oh joy!

Okay...it's insane I can name this many! Obsessive much?!?

A Very Faint BFP Today

BFP= Big Fat Positive (on a Pregnancy Test)

So, my husband and I were supposed to wait for 2 cycles before trying to concieve again. We really waited only one cycle because he had gone off of his meds in February and we felt we should not lose any time in case he had to go back on them again. (We believe and have been told that his anti-depressants are one of the potential causes for our miscarriages.) Our first cycle trying again was a major disappointment. I seriously thought I might be pregnant at one point and even had a very convincing evaporation line show up on one of the pregancy tests, but alas, it was not to be. I struggled with quite a bit of grief when it was clear I was not pregnant. Additionally, my husband became less sure how much he wanted to keep trying. He also realized (as did I), that he had to get back on his meds. This news spun me into a depression.

By the time we started my next cycle, I realized that this was our "last try" before my husband's meds took their full effect. He went back on them just a few days before I ovulated. We decided to give it a try, not expecting that we would fall pregnant. Additionally, I had started to do some serious soul work around the idea that I may never have another child. To say it has been painful and difficult would be an understatement, especially following our losses.

Sometime after I ovluated, I started having moments of a very strange sort of confidence that I was absolutely, without a doubt, pregnant again. And it was not just that I "felt" pregnant like I had before, but there was a deeper sense: it was simply a fact. I can't explain it, but I didn't like it, in case it was untrue. I also had a very vivid dream that first week after ovulating that I gave birth to a beautiful little boy. It was extremely vivid and wonderful. The only time I have had a dream like that was right before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.

And then all kinds of "lucky" things seemed to be happening to me related to fertility: a child called me over to hand me a lady bug (they are considered very lucky for pregnancy). I was given 4 different gifts that were butterfly themed (symbol of new life). And while on a walk with my daughter, we found a baby bird's egg, very newly hatched and now empty, lying on the ground at our feet. We took it home. Plus, it's spring and everything seems to be shouting "fertility and new life" as we watch the flowers and leaves budding anew and as we prepare for Easter. It's all about moving out of death into new life and resurrection. Today itself is Holy Monday in the Church calendar and Easter is less than a week away now.

Of course, I had many more moments when I felt tortured by the idea that I could not be pregnant this quickly again, and this might be our last shot. In fact, by yesterday, I had convinced myself that I was simply a complete nut case with all kind of imagined pregnancy symptoms (of which I've had many)! Let's see, my symptoms include: heartburn, fatigue, tender breasts, gas, bloating, irritability, shortness of breath, itchy nipples, increased appetite and thirst, sleeplessness, vivid dreams, cramping and some very painful pulling sensations. The list goes on...seriously. And I kept thinking: what kind of insanity is behind my belief that I'm pregnant?! Of course you're not! Stop that!

So this morning, when I took my Wondfo internet cheapie pregnancy test, I was really and truly not expecting to see anything. But then I could have sworn there was a SUPER faint shadow tint on it...which even faded away when the test dried. Still, I reported the shadow to my Cycle Buddies on Fertility Friend and they were encouraging about it. I felt like I had gone truly mad, obsessing over this shadowy line. But I decided to test again with SMU (second morning urine) and again, another shadowy line, this time just a hair more visible. I took photos, tweaked, and posted them on our fertility discussion board to get opinions. Others could see it and encouraged me to "retest." By 1:30pm, I couldn't stand it. I retested and yet a third shadowy line, this time even more visible, appeared. I finally took my daughter to the store to get some higher quality tests and do some other shopping. We got home and I rushed to the bathroom, having "held it" for a full 5 hours so as not waste the costly tests and get the most accurate result.

I held the test in my hands, as I have so many other countless times, but this time it did not stare back at me stark white. No. It was like magic: a faint but clearly visible second line appeared. On both tests. (The test pictured above is one of them.)

So yes, I do have a very faint BFP only 10 days post ovulation. I have no idea if this pregnancy will last, if this little one will "stick," or if I need to prepare myself for yet another loss. I am less terrified in some ways because I feel prepared for the fact that we are high risk. No longer innocent, I know we could lose this pregnancy in a flash, and it would not be a shock.

We already have an appointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) this week. It was to be our first consultation related to fertility, but now I hope it will also be to establish me as a patient who needs some extra attention and support for this pregnancy.

So, I am seeking to take it one day at a time. I don't want to get ahead of myself like I have in the past. I am trying to simply trust God that whatever will be, will be. Truly, the future is not ours! And for now, I'll enjoy those TWO little lines.

Diagnosing Infertility and the Causes of Miscarriage

There are many causes of infertility, miscarriage, or recurrent miscarriages, and there a variety of tests that can be performed to check for potential problems. If you've had 2-3 miscarriages, your doctor ought to begin doing recurrent loss testing. For those over 35 and unable to concieve after several months, don't hesitate to seek medical help. Below are some of the tests that can be performed as well as frequent causes of miscarriage and infertility that I have gathered from my own research. Please keep in mind that this list not exhaustive and I am not a doctor, but I hope it is helpful.

Category I: Immunological & Hemotalogical Causes
(blood clotting issues/thrombophilias)

Recurrent miscarriages can sometimes be traced to immunological problems or blood clotting disorders that cause a variety of complications in pregnancy. If you've had several losses, your doctor can (and should) order a blood test panel to check for these types of problems. The tests often include the following:

1. LA- Lupus Anticoagulant (related to the test called dRVVT: Dilute Russell Viper Venom Time)

2. ACA- Anti Cardiolipin Antibodies: molecules that attack cardiolipin causing clotting

3. ANA- Anti-Nuclear Antibodies

4. APA-Antiphospholipid -proteins that cause blood clotting/mc

5. PT and PTTT: Partial Thromboplastin and APTT: Activated Partial Thromboplastin

6. Factor V Leiden-mutation inherited thrombosis

7. Protein C and S levels and activated Protein C activity

8. Prothrombin gene mutation and/antithrombin deficiency - thrombophilia problems

9. Leukocyte Antibody Detection- abnormal attacking of the fetal cells

10. Coagulopathy-defect in clotting causing too much bleeding

11. MTHFR- a mutation that can create problems absorbing Folic Acid (usually treatable w/extra Folic Acid and Vitamin B)- single mutations are not considered problematic but double mutations can be and may elevate Homocystein levels

12. PAI-1 gene mutation: antigen in plasma -causes clotting

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Category II: Ovaries/Egg or Ovarian Reserve Problems

Another potential cause of infertility is a lack of quanity of eggs (low ovarian reserve) or poor quality egg(s) (which can also cause miscarriages), is often due to advanced maternal age. This can happen randomly to young women occasionally too. And as much as I hate the term "advanced maternal age," the risk really is much higher as a woman ages. Problems with a woman's eggs leading to infertility, miscarriage, or other complications rise after age 35. Below are some tests that may uncover any potential problems.

1. Day 3 FSH testing -Follicle stimulating hormone: this tests ovarian reserve (how many eggs are eft and potential egg quality) on Day 3 of a woman's menstrual cycle

2. Estradiol Level testing- similar to FSH, also tests ovarian reserve

3. Day 3 Inhibin- a follow up to low FSH in order to test egg quality

4. Clomiphene Challenge- another follow up to FSH after age 38 (more routine) to check egg quality. Requires taking clomiphene for 5 days.

5. AMH Testing: tests follicles for number of eggs to see if a woman is releasing eggs

6. AOA testing -tests for anti ovarian antibodies that interferes with ovarian funtion

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Category III: Male Sperm Factors

Problems with a man's sperm can certainly lead to infertility or miscarriage, although this is often overlooked and men are often only tested after a woman has been tested thoroughly.

1. Low Sperm count/motility/morphology- not having enough sperm or quality sperm is a rather common problem and can be diagnosed with a basic Sperm Analysis (SA)

2. Sperm DNA fragmentation- caused by environmental or substance damage (smoking, drugs, etc.) and other unknown causes. Of note is the negative impact that some antidepressants (SSRI's) have been shown to have on men's sperm. This type of damage is very problematic, causing infertility and miscarriages, particularly chromosomal problems, and is not diagnosed with a regular sperm analyis...one must get a sperm chromatin test or another test specifically on the DNA of the sperm.

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Category IV: Hormonal Causes

Low or abnormal levels of a number of hormones in women can cause miscarriages and infertility. Below are some of the more frequent hormonally related causes.

1. Hypothyroidism: This can cause problems with ovary function due to hormone stimulations. TSH or the Thyroid Stimulating Hormone test can diagnose this.

2. Low Progesterone: Progesterone is necessary to sustain the uterine lining during pregnancy. Progesterone levels can be checked during pregnancy and supplemented if low. The Day 21 progesterone test is given on Day 21 of a woman's menstrual cycle to ensure that ovulation has taken place (based on progesterone levels).

2. Luteinizing hormone (LH) - LH levels that are too low can prevent ovulation and level too high can indicate chromosomal problems. The LH Test is used to diagnose this.

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Category V: Infections/Viruses

Infections and viruses do not usually cause recurrent losses, but they can be a cause of miscarriage and so I've included them.

1. Toxomplasmosis -diagnosed by the Torch test

2. HIV-test to check for the presence of HIV

3. Hep B and C infections

4. CMV-endocervical infection

5. PARVO- virus (can cause fetal hydrops)

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Category VI: Anatomical Causes

If a woman's fallopian tubes are blocked or abnormal or if a woman's uternus is abnormally shaped or formed, this can cause infertility or miscarriages. Two ways to check a woman's uterus and/or fallopian tubes include:

1.HSG-Hysterosalpingogram (x-ray with dye) or Hysteroscopy (tiny camera): ensures that the fallopian tubes are open and the uterus is normal and no scarring or abnormalites are present

2. Uterine Ultrasound: checks for any uternine abnormalities via a thorough ultrasound

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Category VII: Chromosomal Causes

Sometimes a random accident occurs within either the egg or sperm during the early stages of development causing one extra gene (trisomy) or one less gene (monosomy) to develop in the embryo. Many are lethal to the developing embryo. These are not usually genetic in origin but are due to a random accident or to poor egg or sperm quality. Sometimes one or more parents may have an undiagnosed genetic translocation that causes more frequent chromosomal problems to develop and can be a cause for a small percentage of recurrent miscarriage.

1. Karyotype for genetic translocation: A test for the parents to see if there is a translocation causing recurrent chromosomal problems.

2. Other tests can performed during pregnancy, either in utero on placenta or umbilical (CVS), or amniotic fluid (amniocentesis) or after a miscarriage by collecting and testing the fetal tissue.

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My hope is that this list will not cause fear, because while many things can go wrong, most pregnancies will be succesful. However, if you're suffering from infertility or recurrent miscarriages, it's important to know that many tests are available to you so that you can be empowered to take the necessary steps to achieve a succesful pregnancy.

What to Do When Your Friend or Family Member Miscarries

I have heard from many women who end up being deeply wounded by the reactions of thier friends and family following a miscarriage. I know I was deeply pained by the responses or lack of responses from those I loved and who I thought cared about me. Most people just don't know what to do or say and end up doing something less than helpful. Silence can be the worst, further alienating the one who is suffering. Common experiences women report include avoidance by friends and family, a reluctance by others to talk about the loss, a down playing of the loss by others, or saying things that diminish the loss. For most women and men suffering from a miscarriage, the grief can be very deep and just as painful as losing a most beloved family member. For the mother, she is immediately connected to her baby both physically in a very literal way and emotionally, regardless of what stage she is at gestationally. For both parents, this little one was their baby and next child. It doesn't matter if they were just 4 weeks pregnant or much farther along. A loss is a loss. The loss can be even more traumatic later on, but the grief experienced with an early loss can be extremely acute and heart wrenching. Most mothers and many fathers will experience all the stages of grief after a miscarriage and this usually lasts for several months. Be assured that they will never forget the little one they lost and loved but never had the chance to hold.

Here are some very tangible things YOU can do to be a support to a women who has suffered a miscarriage:

1. DO call, visit, email or whatever is normal for your relationship to simply check in with her, especially during the first few weeks, but even for several months. She may or may not want to talk about the miscarriage, but just by calling to say, "I care about you and am here for you if you need anything" will help her tremendously to feel supported during a very painful time.

2. DO send sympathy cards or flowers, just as you would for the loss of any loved one. The baby was absolutely a loved one for the mother and father and acknowledging that fact in a tangible ways is a huge affirmation and comfort. Pretending the little one didn't exist is the worst thing you can do...that does not ease the pain but increases it. This was their unborn child and they had dreams and hopes for him or her, they were already in love with the little life they had created that died too soon. Give them your condolences.

3. DO talk about the topic if and when the parents bring it up. Don't change the topic or avoid it. It won't cause them more pain to talk about it, on the contrary, the pain is already there and not having a safe place to talk about it is much worse.

4. DO listen, say little, and don't give advice. Listening, nodding, and saying nothing more than, "I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do" or "This is so hard" is PLENTY! When we try to "fix" the problem with many words or advice, we usually say something stupid...it's a problem that cannot be fixed but simply needs to be expressed and grieved until emotional healing can be reached.

5. If you and the parents are open to prayer, then DO tell them they are in your prayers and then actually follow up with prayers on their behalf. They're going to need it and knowing that they're in people's prayers is a very comforting thing.

6. DO NOT tell them to look on the "bright side" or diminish their loss in any way. (By the way, this piece advice applies to all kinds of loss and grief. When you're grieving, this is NOT the time to look on the "bright side.") Healthy grief requires taking account the full measure of the loss and the all pain involved and then affirming that it was indeed, a very sad and significant loss. Do not tell people they are "lucky for x reason" or that "it was God's will" or that "it's a good thing for x reason." This only adds to their pain and sense of loss and alienates them further. People in grief need primarily to be acknowledged that thier grief is real and significant. Eventually, in time, they will heal, but that is not now, it is when they're ready. They will eventually see a bright side on the other side of grief, but you CAN'T short circuit the pain of grief to get them there, so don't try.

The gift of your presence and love is the most valuable thing...just being there is the most important thing you can offer. It can make a world of difference for someone in deep pain.

Healing After a Miscarriage

I began to heal, it seems, after the news about our baby girl's sad condition. Knowing there was a reason for the miscarriage truly helped, although I know many women never get any answers.

As I awoke from a dream about my baby the next day, my little girl's name came to me very clearly, almost audibly, while in that twilight stage between sleeping and waking: "Her name is Annabelle." I had never considered this name before (I have quite a few names on my list) but it was perfect and lovely and I instantly knew that was indeed her name. I doubted my husband would agree since we hardly ever agree on names. But when I told him, he really liked it, and so I looked up the name's meaning online: "lovable." Well, that was certainly true of our little girl! We deeply loved her and she was entirely lovable even at such an early stage of development (8 weeks in pregnancy terms and 6 weeks gestational age).

My healing since has included creating keepsake albums for our angel babies, Aidan and Annabelle. I included pictures taken when I was pregnant, the beloved "tokens" of the saved postive pregnancy test strips, and of course, the many ultrasound photos we have of Annabelle. My 4 year old daughter helped me put them together with stickers of hearts, flowers, butterflies, angels, "love" quotes and pictures of Jesus with the children.

I also purchased and decorated a wooden box with paint and jewels to place the little bit of fetal tissue I had left of Annabelle (after the D & C I still miscarried some fetal tissue and was told to freeze it just in case it was needed by the OBGYN). We are going to bury the little box at our church and have a private memorial liturgy to thank God for the lives and joy these little ones brought to us in their short existence on earth. They are our children in my eyes, regardless of their gestational age.

I also created a "plan" for healing and good health for a future pregnancy that includes having my husband totally wean off the SSRI's (he has since done this) and take fertility vitamins. For me it includes exercise, healthy eating, prenatal vitamins, increased folic acid, no caffeine or aspartame, and rather religious charting of my own bodily/fertility symptoms. So far so good.

Something else I found really helpful was to purchase a keepsake "baby bean" bracelet with Aidan and Annabelle's due date birth stones from http://myforeverchild.com/ (bracelet pictured above). I couldn't hold my babies, but I wear that bracelet and lovingly kiss and hold my little beans throughout the day alongside their emerald and peridot birth stone beads. I also like it because no one else knows what it means or asks intrusive questions about it.

Additionally, prayer and Scripture reading, which is something I've done daily for years, has taken a new level of priority in my life. This, more than anything, has been getting me through this time and bringing me healing. I record Scriptural promises and pray with more passion while praising God more frequently; this has kept my soul strong and even joyful in the midst of this terrible grief. "The joy of the Lord is my strength." If you have faith and are dealing with a loss: pray, pray, pray. I can't explain it, it's just a God-thing.