A Christmas Chemical

So I knew we conceived immediately after ovulating this cycle and I continued to have every pregnancy symptom known to man, with the biggest symptom being related to my uterus with stretching, tugging enlarging, twitching, and that feeling a rock-in-my-stomach sensation ALL cycle long.  I had nausea, bloating, bachache, sore nipples, gas, heartburn, aching teeth, side stitches, light headedness/dizzies, shortness of breath, stuffy nose/throat, and major acne flare up.  Yep, I was preggers. I started getting faint lines and squinters late though...around 12DPO and those continued through 16DPO, about 10 of them like the one below, on many different brands and tests.

But today, just before Christmas, the witch showed up along with diving temps, making this my sixth loss in a row. So, happy freakin Christmas to me.

I'm particularly upset by this loss because my symptoms were so strong that I really felt pregnant and got my hopes up. And, of course, there's that whole "Christmas miracle" thing to consider in this "magical season." We lost Annabelle around this time 2 years ago and she was also due in August, so I had my heart set on an August baby...it gave me such hope.  I think as the losses pile up too, I feel more and more certain that I'm just never going to be able to get a take home baby with DH. 

On the hopeful side of things:

1. We got a new diagnosis in 2011 and we're moving to IUI in 2012, now with new meds.

2. Clearly I'm still fertile enough to get pregnant: 3 times in 2011.

3. My body seems to be responsive in terms of hormones to pregnancy.

4. I've been taking supplements for over 3 months along with acupuncture, so my eggs/body should be healthier in 2012 than 2011. 

On a lighter/sarcastic note, I did decide I have a new Christmas theme song, "Drunk on Christmas" by Jimmy Fallon. I'm not a drinker, but I do appreciate the sentiment, and YES...I can drink this holiday since I'm not preggers.

Christmas is a time

A special time of the year

With peace and joy and happiness
...

For opening your presents

Underneath the tree

For spending countless hours

With your familly
That's why i'm drinking,drinking,drinking

I'm gonna drink all day

I'm going home for Christmas

And my family's insane

Just gotta make it through the day

And there's no other way

I'm gonna get drunk drunk drunk

On christmas

Christmas BFP Poem

AF is due on Christmas Eve


I wonder what else Santa has up his sleeve

A BFP would make my day

But I imagine it going the other way



Oh how I would love to see that second line

And to have another baby of mine

Please Santa bring me some Christmas joy

DH would love a girl but I'd like another boy



That evil witch has been getting her way

For far too long, this is MY holiday

Stay away you evil hag

Please Santa bring me a BFP in your bag



I'll stay positive for as long as I can

At least I have DH and my little man

I've been trying for over a year for number two

Santa, you know what to do



Please grant me this Christmas wish

And I'll leave you some yummy cookies on a dish
 
-Posted by a Cayman4 on FF (she got her BFP this week too)

My Fertility Supplement Concoction

Someone recently posted a question on FF asking whether they were going "overboard" with supplements. When I read her list, I thought it sounded like nothing...just 6-7 supplements or so. Compared to what I'm currently taking, most people's supplement list would sound reasonable though. My list is INSANELY long.

So, here is everything I'm taking as of December 2011 and why. The things I'm battling are recurrent loss, possible immune issues due to elevated NK cell activity, advanced maternal age (39), and diminished ovarian reserve (fewer good eggs), in addition to some stagnation and deficiencies of the kidney, spleen and liver based on my symptoms according to traditional Chinese medicine.

For general prenatal health and improved egg quality:

• Rainbow Lite Prenatal One Vitamins - one of the best whole-food prenatals I could find reasonably priced


• 1,000 mg Folic Acid w/Vitamins B6 & 12 (Folgard)


• CoQ10 - 200 mg


• Green Tea extract (antioxidant) -300 mg


• Pycnogenol -100 mg


• Calcium w/magnesium & zinc- 1000 mg


• L-Carnitine - 500 mg


• Wheatgrass

For treatment of immune issues/inflammatory response and recurrent miscarriage:

• Zyflamend


• Baby Aspirin


• 4000 mg Fish Oil


• Vitamin E- 800 IU


• Liquid Chlorophyl


• Selenium - 200 mg


• 2400 IU Vitamin D3


• Medizym V - powerful enzyme


• MSM Powder - for improved circulation & Raynaud's Syndrome

To increase major organ health (qi) due to various organ deficiencies a la TCM from "The Infertility Cure":

• Milk Thistle: for liver qi / deficiency


• Ginseng- 250 mg: for spleen qi/ deficiency


• Astralagus/Atractylodes: for spleen qi/ deficiency


• Vitex: for kidney yang and to regulate hormones - 500 mg

To increase fertile CM (CD 8 until O only):

• grapefruit juice


• Mucinex


• Evening Primrose Oil

In addition I am doing fertility acupuncture about once a week and have started spin classes. I can't imagine I could take anything else at this point and I hope I'm doing more good than harm. With all the "possible" issues I'm facing. I'm taking so many things I need to work my schedule around them! I will say one thing: I never get sick anymore, even when my daughter and husband do, so I assume I'm doing something good for my health.

So yeah, I dare anyone to show me a longer list of supplements! Overboard? Yep. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. And infertility certainly causes desperation.

Test Results: Natural Killer Cells, Oh My!

Well, I have been overwhelmed reading about my most recent diagnosis: "elevated Natural Killer cells" (CD56+ NK cells). NK cells are pictured to the left. This is one of the immunology risks that Dr. Beers' describes in his book and it was diagnosed through the "Natural Killer Assay" which is the gold standard of NK tests, as it isolates a woman's NK cells and studies them as they interact/attack a type of cancer cell that is similar to embryo tissue. If they show killing activity that is too agressive, that's a problem because it means they could be attacking an embryo in the same way, thereby causing reproductive loss. It cost me $400 out of pocket, but I think it was worth it.

On the one hand, I feel more discouraged than ever that I have yet one more freakin' thing to overcome. On the other hand, maybe we've finally found one problem we could possibly treat.

What has been recommended by the RE is that we try one more time to get pregnant naturally and then consider ART. I must take Baby Aspirin daily and if I get a BFP, I will be given Intralipids and Heparin to regulate the NK cell activity. This is a lot less expensive than IVIG (and less disgusting too), but it does not work for everyone.

The other bad news I received is that my AMH has further reduced. However, all my other numbers are better than before, I hope due to the supplements and acupuncture:

Antral Follice Count: 8 (better than previous 6, but still low)

AMH: .66 (lower than the previous 1.04)

FSH: 6.9 (good/better than the 8.75)

Inhibin B: 125.5 (awesome)

I don't know why the FSH and Inhibin B are good but the others are not. From what I've read, the AFC and AMH tests are more predictive of ovarian reserve. So yes, I very much have diminished ovarian reserve, which means I am running out of time rather quickly. Blah.

I've done a lot of reading about the NK cells and the natural remedies I am now doing daily to help combat the elevated NK cells are:

-3 grams of Fish Oil

-800mg Vitamin E

-1 T of Liquid Chlorophyll (the stuff that makes veggies and water green!)

-100 mg Pycnogenol

Now I am trying to figure out what to do...do some more testing, keep TTC naturally, or move on to IVF? Onwards...

Finding Hope with "The Infertility Cure"

Since we cannot, tragically, afford IVF/ICSI, to help us concieve a healthy baby, I am looking to find ways we can improve our chances naturally. Hubby has been on some fantastic multi-vitamins to help with his sperm issues. We're not sure how much it has improved over time, but he is doing what he can. So we're left to deal with my issues, the biggest being my age (nearly 39) and the fact that I have low ovarian reserve. *screams a little* So I need to try to improve my eggs and health at this point.


I ordered and read "The Infertility Cure" by Randine Lewis.
It's a great book although it is a big and somewhat heavy read. I found myself needing to re-read many portions, underline/take notes and study it to really benefit from it. It feels like a short crash course in fertility related eastern medicine. I think what she has to say is not only interesting however, but beneficial to any woman looking to improve her fertility by getting to the root causes of fertility problems and not just addressing the symptoms (which we do so well in the West). This book feeds my inner-hippie chic too. I love natural-granola type things, but she comes across like a doctor, combining wisdom from both east and west (and not like a flaky guru of some kind).

In reading you will be able to identify your symptoms for various problems related to ferility that are connected to our organs and hormones. What I discovered is that I have the classic symptoms of deficiencies related to my liver, kidney and spleen....the big three. I think I have always had some hormonal imbalances, but they have become more pronounced with age and stress. I have way too much stress in my life and have for years...but that's another story.

The book is so full of information that one of the challenges is actually narrowing down how you are going to address the problems once you recognize them. I wanted to start with supplements and there were so many options listed for all of my deficiences that it is difficult to choose. My approach was actually to take the supplements that seemed to have overlap in recommendations and/or were the easiest to find. Otherwise I would be taking like 60 things a day!

One thing you will come to understand is that this natural eastern approach is not a "one size fits all" and that you won't know which supplements to take to boost your fertility until you know what your personal problem areas are. Everyone can benefit from improving their diet however, which she recommends, and I am making an effort to get a lot more fresh fruits and veggies and fiber.

My new regimine consists of the following supplements daily to improve my fertility/eggs and cleanse/balance my organs and body:

Wheatgrass
Vitex
Milk Thistle Seed
L-Arginine
Chinese Ginseng
CoQ10
Astralagus

In addition I am taking an increased amount of Folic Acid and Calcium along with my prenatal vitamins and a baby aspirin every morning. We'll see if things improve. I have been on Vitex and Wheatgrass for about a month and have noticed a decrease in some of my hormonally related symptoms already. I have been gradually adding the other supplements in as well.

This week I have my first appointment with a fertility acupuncturist, which is something Dr. Lewis recommends. I'm excited! I did 3 sessions of acupuncture for back problems awhile back and felt FANTASTIC afterwards....I was pain free after every session for several days. So, I guess I believe it must really have some benefits even if we don't fully understand it.

Maybe that's where faith kicks in: I don't have to understand something to believe it can work. And this has given me some hope in an otherwise hopeless situation.

Chemical Pregnancy is My New Middle Name

I have been neglectful of my blog...it's been hard to write about purely bad news. My goodness. I had a chemical pregnancy loss in July/August on the heels of my May/June loss, followed by another *possible* chemical pregnancy loss at the end of August, making it three chemicals in a row. I'm three for three cycles! That's just crazy.

Honestly, the late August cycle is still a mystery to me. I took a HPT right before Aunt Flow arrived and it was still a faint positive. I started bleeding for four days, figured it was over and did not retest and decided to take a month off of TTC. I thought BDing/being intimate on CD 4 would be safe! But then I started having an upsurge in early pregnancy symptoms 7 days later so I took a test (just to assure myself I could not be pregnant still) and it came up faintly positive.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I continued to get very faint positive tests for several days on multiple brands and so I made an appointment with a new OB in our new city, again fearing an ectopic. I think he thought I was nuts, but at least he talked to me at length about my history of pregnancy loss. My progesterone was borderline (10ish) so hard to say if I had actually ovulated again or not.

Long story short, I started bleeding and the tests finally went negative/BFN and the beta came back negative that weekend.

Was this a continuation of the former chemical loss, now 11 days later, or was this a new loss? I'll never know. I am tempted to think I might have ovulated on CD 5 because I had many of the signs/symptoms of it then. And if I did, the egg would most likely be too immature to develop properly. Here are 2 tests (in addition to numerous Dollar Tree tests and others not shown) that I took on what would then have been 9 DPO (if a new loss) or 30 DPO (if from the same loss):

I am starting to feel like an expert on chemical pregnancy loss, in addition to recurrent pregnancy loss. I know that most women who are not obsessively tracking and TTC would never know they were even pregnant with these very early losses, so in some ways that lifts some of the weight of it for me...because I believe I am now up to 6 losses in a row.

Eeeeegads that sounds dismal! You have to wonder what hope is left...and, well, that requires a new post.

Faint BFP on 11 DPO/12 DPO

This cycle I had a terrible UTI and was taking D Mannose to naturally get rid of it around ovulation time. D Mannose has a contraceptive effect and I know this is not a good time to get preggers because I just started a new job on August 1st (maternity leave only kicks in at the 1 year mark) so I was not expecting we had any chance this month (and last month we were in different states).

Anyway, right after ovulation I had symptoms like we had conceived with very sore nipples for a few days (happened with my last chemical) and colostrum was present. However, the symptoms went away around 4/5 DPO and I haven't had any real symptoms since then beyond some sleeplessness and fatigue.

Last night my breasts were sore and I found out a friend got a BFP so I decided to test at 11 DPO with very dilute urine around 9pm. I saw only a vague shadow on the wondfo, which I often see, so thought nothing of it. I went to bed and dreamt I took many positive pregnancy tests. I woke up and then saw a faint line on last night's test. It could be an evap, plus I don't have symptoms. So I took another test though just to confirm, but it too had a shadowy line and as it dried it's a bit darker. Today I am 12 DPO.

Now I know that because they're so faint, I am very likely dealing with another chemical. But I am back to waiting to see if they will get darker or not.

I don't even have a doctor to call since we just moved to a new state, so I am going to just wait it out for now. I don't see any reason to rush and get a beta done since at this stage there's really nothing they can do for me anyway.

My gameplan: I am not going to get excited knowing my track record and the fact that this doesn't look very promising with such faint lines, but I will start treating my body as if I am pregnant....eating good, taking my supplements, no caffeine, and will take my prescription folic acid.

Fourth Loss in a Row: Chemical Pregnancy

Well, I needed some time to re-group after learning that the HCG failed to double and that I was having a chemical pregnancy this month. My betas never got very high...they started at 13 (lab confirmed) and then went up to about 40 (my estimate) and then dipped back down to 16 (lab confirmed), before my OB told me the pregnancy was not viable. I already knew by then because my pregnancy tests were not getting darker. It's just not true that a "line is a line" when it comes to early losses, particularly when dealing with recurrent loss situations. Lines should be getting darker every 2-3 days over several days, even accounting for urine concentration and dye amounts on most tests. One lighter test or tests the same color within 24 hours of each other do not mean anything, but over several days, it becomes a worrisome sign. When my HCG was doubling properly with previous pregnancies, my tests did visibly darken every 2-3 days.

Here is the progression of my tests from my chemical. You can see they did not get very dark, then held steady, and then began to get lighter:

There are lines IRL on Days 10-18DPO. On 11DPO my beta was 13. On 17DPO it was 16. HCG appears to have peaked about 14DPO. I began to bleed on 20DPO (4w5d) but was having some painful cramping, so I tested again at 22DPO (last test) to make sure it was negative and it was. I feared I was having an ectopic with this pregnancy because I had quite a bit of pain on my right side. I'll never know if that was the case since it was such an early loss, but I am grateful it did not become an issue. I am also grateful it was not a later loss, which is much more difficult physically and emotionally. I am trying to find grace in this wherever I can.

This is my first -known- chemical. I may have had one or more before but wasn't paying close enough attention. My other losses were later after I was quite late, so this was a somewhat new experience in that I never did get my hopes up the way I did with my other losses. That made it easier certainly. It still hurts and, more than anything, creates an even deeper fear that we're just never going to get a take home baby and my time is running out. That's the worst part of it.

So, we will be on a TTC break now since the hubbie is out of town during this cycle. In an attempt to find hope, I am thinking that we may try naturally for a few more months but I am really going to investigate "mini-IVF." I'll post more about that later.

14 DPO and Still Unsure

My tests on 13DPO were disappointing: the Answer Early was a tad darker but the Wondfo was actually lighter than 12DPO. I started to feel very anxious and took another Wondfo around 8pm after a 5 hour hold and it was even lighter than 12DPO. I decided I needed to accept that this pregnancy wasn't going to make it, that my lines were getting lighter and would continue that way, and I did a lot praying and attempting to let go. It was a painful night.

I dejectedly took a Wondfo today at 14 DPO at 3pm after a 6-7 hour hold fully expecting it to be BFN or nearly invisible. Once again I was taken off guard when it turned darker than any tests to date. I bought a new package of Answer Early's and it was about the same, perhaps lighter. I took an IC and that was dramatically darker though, which made me smile... about three times as dark as yesterday's. So...mixed results from the tests but I feel like as long as they're getting darker, then I'm not out yet.

Tomorrow I go in for my second beta. I feel like the numbers are going to be low and I'm really anxious/scared about the results. I'm not expecting good news, but every now and then, I have a moment of hope that maybe things will turn out all right.

I think I may need to seriously "step away from the pee sticks" like everyone always advises. I see that with every test I am up and down and can't really see the "forest" through the trees. Perhaps testing every other day would be a good compromise: I can check to see how things are progressing but not obsess over lines every day. There is a much more noticeable difference between tests every other day anyway.

I will wait and see how the betas go...hopefully I'll know something tomorrow.

A Very Faint BFP and Ensuing Roller Coaster

I've had a ton of pregnancy symptoms this cycle, beginning as early as 1 DPO, which is unusual. My symptoms have included shortness of breath, excess saliva, bleeding gums, extreme bloating (such that my clothes hurt), shooting "letdown" sensations in my breast/nipple area followed by some leaking colostrum (that's a new one for me), terrible gas, sore/scratchy throat and a bad backache: every symptom I've had in previous BFP cycles. I believe I felt implantation pains on 9DPO (I also think I may have ovulated out of both ovaries, about 12 hours apart due to the specific pains I felt on O day.)

So this Wednesday, June 8th, on what should be 10 DPO, I got the faintest of faintest lines on 2 Wondfo home pregnancy tests. I took a FRER and it was BFN (big fat negative).

Here's the Wondfo's, for you squinters (they are very hard to see but there irl):



So I wanted to back these up and went and bought two blue dye tests that afternoon and took 2 and those also had very faint but visible lines. I took another FRER that night and it was still BFN. (Those Wondfo's are REALLY sensitive.)

I assumed that by the next day, 24 hours later, the lines would be quite a bit darker if things were progressing well. Unfortunately, the lines were still super faint in the morning with FMU (first morning urine). I assumed, very sadly, that this was going to be a chemical pregnancy/an early loss. That has been my line of thinking ever since, but I'm trying to see the forest through the trees right now and feel very much "on the edge of my seat," waiting anxiously.

That evening, Thursday, I took another Wondfo at 11DPO and the line was more visible/darker by a bit. Here is that test:

I followed that with the last of the blue dye tests and it was visibly darker than the previous days', but still faint. As I took a walk that evening I realized that my symptoms were still very much present and I started to feel a little bit more hopeful, thinking "just wait and see." I came back home and dipped an Answer Early and got this and decided it was a true BFP although faint:

In the morning, now 12 DPO, I tested again with FMU on a Wondfo and the line looked exactly the same as the previous morning's and lighter than previous evening's. I felt that it was confirmation again that this really is the start of an early loss. I spent the day feeling sad/down but resigned to the reality. Still, I tested again at 3pm, expecting to see a BFN, but this time the Wondfo looked noticeably darker. That encouraged me to take another test, including another Answer Early and digital and I got this result:



I took a FRER and it was a faint BFP too. My emotional roller started back up again because it means that the hcg must be increasing, not decreasing, so it means I am not out yet. Whether or not the hcg is increasing enough is now my concern, and that can only be known through a blood test to check my beta numbers. I had my blood drawn on Thursday and will have it drawn again this Monday and then find out what is going on for sure.

I have felt totally pessimistic for the last 2 days but am trying to hold out some hope. Looking at my tests from the last few days I see that my FMU tests are always a lot lighter than later in the day, so I am going to stop testing with FMU because it makes my whole day a downer. I will hold and test now in the afternoon or early evening (unless my lines darken sufficiently).

I also looked through the test galleries and realized that the tests in the early days of a BFP don't look much darker for a lot of women. Pondering why that would be, I assume because the numbers are so low, the difference between the doubling of a 3 and a 6 would not be too noticeable. Later on, when doubling goes from say 20 to 40, you would visibly see the difference. That may be an explanation as to why my lines have not appeared a lot darker over these past few days.

The positive thing is that over the past 3 days, the trend has been that my lines have darkened, even if only a little bit. That is the "forest" in all of this. Also, my lines match a lot of gallery photos for my DPO. The negative thing is that they are still very light and haven't changed a whole lot.

So, I will retest later today and see where that leaves me. I am not out of the woods yet and have to take it one day at a time. My strategy is to think very incrementally, just seeing whether I make it through one day at a time. With three losses under my belt, it's hard to believe anything would go well this time. So, I am praying and hoping against hope.

Please Lord, let this be our sticky, rainbow baby.

Review of First Response Fertility Test for FSH

In early 2010 I took a Day 3 urine based Fertell FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) Test to check ovarian reserve for fertility (not menopause) and several months later had my serum/blood Day 3 FSH tested as 8.75. The result with the Fertell was this:

The test states that a test line (left) that is lighter than the control line (right) means that one's FSH is at a sufficiently low level and therefore indicates adequate ovarian reserve. If the line is the same color or darker, then one should follow up with a doctor because it may indicate diminished ovarian reserve (and hence diminished fertility). According to one representative at Fertell, the test is calibrated to 10mIU/ml of FSH in serum...so having a test line identical in color to the control line would be similar to having an FSH of 10. For fertility purposes, an FSH of 10 is really on the precipice between sufficient and insufficient ovarian reserve. To my mind, my test line looked a little bit lighter than a possible serum FSH of 8.75, but it's close and was a few months prior, so basically accurate.

In January of 2011 I took a Day 3 First Response FSH urine test and got this result:

To my eyes, it looks the same, perhaps even a little bit lighter than the Fertell test I took a year ago. I have to assume (although I have no proof and cannot track down any information on this) that the First Response FSH test is calibrated in a similar way as the Fertell test, to about 10 mIU/ml, which is why the results appear similar to the Fertell FSH test. I did take a few more First Response FSH tests again in February and March on Day 3 to check for any fluctuation (always using FMU as directed), and I got about the same lines on all the tests, so they do appear to be consistent.

My feeling about the First Response FSH product is that it is somewhat reliable, but it ultimately only gives a woman half the story. The problem is that checking FSH alone tells a woman nothing about her estradiol level and estradiol MUST be checked in conjunction with FSH, because an elevated estradiol can falsely lower a woman's true FSH. This is actually true in my case, because I have a slightly elevated estradiol level according to my blood serum tests, therefore my FSH number is acutally unreliable, whether it is measured via urine or blood serum. If I did not know about my elevated estradiol, I would have assumed that my FSH was completely fine and even rather low from this urine test, which it is not.

So in the final analysis, my review of this product is that it is adequate in testing one's FSH level and appears to be consistent with other brands and even with serum results. If one gets a dark line on the test, it is absolutely a good idea to follow up with a doctor. If you get a light or average line on the test, it can unfortuantely mislead a woman into thinking her fertility and ovarian reserve are adequate and therefore prevent her from seeing a doctor, because it does not and cannot test for estradiol levels, which can mask a woman's true FSH number. An FSH test by itself is ultimately not helpful for this reason.

Review of the Fertility Cleanse Kit

I am 17DPO today, which means AF should arrive today or tomorrow. Sheesh, my Luteal Phase is so LONG! (The one advantage to this is that I actually long for AF to get here just so I can start a new cycle. )

I wanted to review and record my thoughts/experiences with the Fertility Cleanse Kit I did this cycle, as prescribed by Hethir Rodriguez (Holistic Medical Practioner and Herbalist) from http://natural-fertility-info.com/. The herbs and the Fertility Kit itself is actually produced by Crystal Star of Healthy Healing (pictured above), and I assume it is just distributed on their behalf. Here is the kit if you want to see it directly: http://www.healthyhealing.com/catalog/ProductFamily.aspx?id=131&srcID=2&srcTarget=Department. You will notice that the directions provided by Crystal Star are different from Hethir's instructions on how to use the kit. I think it would be fine to do the cleanse either way, but I liked doing the whole cleanse in one cycle as prescribed by Hethir, so I followed her directions.

First of all, the cleanse did not change my Ovulation date. I O'd right on time for me, which is CD12, and it has not changed the length of my Luteal Phase time either (which is usually 16/17 days, so about as long as it gets). The herbs were not difficult to take or to remember since I did them every morning with breakfast and in the evening with dinner. I drank the last cup of tea each night in my comfy chair, which has become a nice ritual. The teas tasted okay too...they're not the tastiest, but not bad either. Then again, I am a tea drinker. You will need to get used to preparing the loose tea with a tea ball of your own (if you don't normally).

I did try my best to eat better by adding more fresh fruits and vegetables and cut out soy (I am a vegetarian and so normally eat a lot of soy products). However, I'm not convinced that soy causes me any problems as I have always felt healthier/better in general since becoming a veggie and using soy instead of ingesting meat and dairy. I also did some exfoliating this cycle but didn't have/make time for the massages she suggests except once, which woud have been nice to add.

What I did notice was different this cycle, is that my hormonally related symptoms seemed much less, and much better in general. I usually have really awful PMS and even raging symptoms during the 2ww, but in this cycle everything felt toned down and was simply not that noticeable. My breasts hurt less, I had less bloating, and I felt less cranky. I have been recording my symptoms for over a year now and in this cycle I had less symptoms than in any other cycle preceeding it. It has certainly been more comfortable for me and it leads me to hope/believe that perhaps the herbs have done a good job of cleansing and basically regulating my wacky hormones somewhat. I have also been a little more "regular" and I believe I had more Cervical Fluid throughout my entire cycle, which could be a function of the cleansing or just hormonally related.

I would ultimately recommend the Fertility Cleanse Kit because it has had a positive impact on me physically and because it helped me to feel that I was doing something good for myself (self-care) and to feel as though I have prepared my body more fully for a future pregnancy. I did not have severe conditions to deal with however, as my cycles are very regular, so I can't comment on it from that perspective. But for some mild hormonal issues, I feel like this has benefited me.

I am really ready to move on to Cycle #20 and am hoping THIS will be our cycle!

Male Factor IF Studies

I have been collecting studies and journal articles about male infertility issues for awhile. Our male factor problems with honey's sperm are DNA damage (23-25%DFI = fair) and really low morphology (2% normal forms with Kruger Strict). I decided to put what I have collected into two categories...those that concern and create more anxiety for me and those that give me some hope. Our RE thinks our miscarriages (3) are related to the sperm issues. What I notice is that the bad news seems more related to DNA damage than poor morphology. And the good news is related to morphology. My thinking: since our morphology is worse than our DNA issue, we still have a "shot" at having a sticky, healthy baby. How many times will we have to try? I don't know. I'm looking for any glimmer of hope out there.

Summary of Male Factor Studies-Articles

Concerning/Challenging Studies:

1. Sperm DNA damage is associated with an increased risk of pregnancy loss after IVF and ICSI: systematic review and meta-analysis
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/23/12/2663.abstract

Summary: Doing a meta-analysis of 11 studies, they conclude that DNA damage greatly increases the risk of pregnancy loss.

2. Sperm DNA fragmentation: paternal effect on early post-implantation embryo development in ART
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/21/11/2876.full

Summary: Risk of pregnancy loss is increased with DNA Fragmentation. However, poor morphology and other semen parameters did not increase/predict pregnancy loss. Therefore, DNA damage is more predictive of pregnancy loss.

3. Male Factor Infertility Blog
http://www.malefactorinfertility.info/2009/12/sperm-morphology-most-important.html

With IVF/ICSI, poor sperm morphology has been associated with normal fertilization rates but higher rates of spontaneous abortion.

4. Permanent Link to Sperm DNA Damage Linked To Increased Risk of Pregnancy Loss after IVF and ICSI
http://www.ivfnewsdirect.com/?p=106

Recent research provides evidence that sperm DNA damage may be associated with an increased risk of spontaneous abortion.

5. SCSA Predicts Male Fertility: Zouves Fertility Center
http://www.goivf.com/news/newsletter.php4?vol=4

Comparing the poor category (over 30% DFI) relative to the excellent category (under 15%DFI), the blastocyst rate is about half, the pregnancy rate is reduced by 2/3 and the spontaneous abortion rate is doubled.


Hopeful/Promising Studies:

1. A Retrospective Comparison of Pregnancy Outcome Following Conventional Oocyte Insemination vs Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection for Isolated Abnormalities in Sperm Morphology Using Strict Criteria
http://www.andrologyjournal.org/cgi/content/full/28/4/607

Summary: Sperm with poor morphology but other parameters normal had a lower rate of fertilization w/regular insemination than that with IVF and ICSI, but pregnancy and delivery was more successful w/regular inseminations: 50%.

2. Inferility Blog
http://infertilityblog.blogspot.com/2010/07/sperm-morphology-new-guidelines.html

Quotes: “Any morphology over 3% is considered normal. If your doctor tells you otherwise, ask him if he has seen the new WHO guidelines." "To take it one step farther, can there really be a difference between 4% and 2%? I doubt that there is a difference between having 96% abnormally shaped sperm and 98% abnormally shaped sperm. So as I have said before, at our practice here at NYU, morphology is not considered with much respect, except in some rare cases where the sperm is unusually abnormal.”

3. Evaluation of Sperm Morphology Using Kruger's Strict Criteria
http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.3109/01485019208987674

Summary: There were no statistically significant differences found in pregnancy rates in partners of men with normal morphology of ≤4% vs. those with 14% or greater. The retrospective analysis showed a 50% pregnancy rate in the group with ≤4% morphology scores vs. 67% in >14% group. The 56% success rate in the men with normal morphology ≤4% reduces the significance of the diagnosis of sperm morphology using the new strict criteria.

4. SCSA Predicts Male Fertility: Zouves Fertility Center

http://www.thenewjerseymaleinfertilitycenter.com/sperm_detection_cases.php#morphology

Case 1: Man w/normal WHO morph but only 2% Kruger. “Many couples in my own infertility practice have a severe abnormality when the sperm morphology is assessed by Strict Morphology, a normal morphology by WHO criteria, and achieve pregnancies with IUI alone.”

Case 2: “Since the initial research on the Strict Morphology criteria (1980s) there has been a great deal of controversy about their true reliability. If this (abnormal morph with Strict Kruger) is the only abnormality that is seen in the semen analysis, I generally suggest re-assessment of the semen using the World Health Organization (WHO) criteria. If the morphology is normal using WHO criteria, I consider the man to have a potential mild to moderate male factor which I usually treat with intrauterine inseminations (with good results)."

Cycle 19: Fertility Cleanse

A new Cycle finally! When I started thinking I had conceived this last cycle, I realized how fearful I felt because DH has not had enough "time" to be on the supplements to improve his DNA damage and morphology. I also started feeling that I may not have done enough for myself physically to prepare for another pregnancy. I find it so very difficult to wait until March to TTC in earnest, so I was looking for way to bide my time. Looking around the web I came across a natural fertility site that sells a "Fertility Cleanse" kit. It piqued my interest.

Herbs and vitamins and natural methods of promoting good health fascinate me to no end and feed my inner-hippie chic, so I'm a sucker. It has some really great supplements to cleanse the liver and uterus and to boost fertility naturally by balancing out hormones with things like milk thistle seed, Goldenseal, dandelion, Red Rasberry leaf, wild yam, burdock root, Don Quai, and False Unicorn root. I don't know if it is actually effective or not, but I think it will give me a chance to do some self-care and at least feel like I've done my best to create a healthful environment for another baby. Hopefully this will distract me enough to exercise patience in the midst of my urgency to hurry up and TTC given my AMA (advanced maternal age) and my predictable surge in sex drive during ovulation.
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I'll report back on how it goes and whether I recommend it. More information about the Fertility Cleanse is here: http://natural-fertility-info.com/prepare-for-conception . The site has some interesting articles.

I've also begun a new natural, vegan, food based prenatal vitamin that I'm excited about by Rainbow Light called "Just Once Prenatal One." http://www.amazon.com/Rainbow-Light-Prenatal-Multivitamin-Tablets/dp/B000EE8036 . It is packed with vitamins (way more than my other brand) and has calcium and iron in addition to being gentle on the stomach.

Disappearing Shadow Lines!

I've done a number of tests now and most seem to get shadow lines that look promising but disappear as they dry. I'm recording all as BFN and I think I'm "out" this month. Maybe I have a bad batch of IC's. I am reminded of how frustrating this part of the 2WW really can be when hopes are going up and down. At the same time, I know we're not ready to TTC wholeheartedly, not until DH has more time on the supplements...which will be my March cycle. I mean, did I really think we'd get preggers our first month back? I'm holding out hope for March!

Early Detection of Conception

So I'm still focused on symptoms, but perhaps less so today, 8 DPO (days post ovulation), as they don't seem as prominent. I'm peeing a bit less frequently and breast tenderness has decreased some. At the same time, I'm still noticing unusual things: my toes/feet keep cramping up, I'm really spacey, have shortness of breath, and have a lot of crampy feelings in my abdomen. Another woman and I on FF are both talking about feeling so many symptoms, almost like "knowing you're pregnant" just days after ovulation.

This got me thinking: How frequently do we actually concieve but the embryo fails to implant succesfully? Is this really common?

And then I found out something fascinating: the earliest sign of pregnancy can be measued JUST 48 HOURS after conception! There is a protein called "Early Pregnancy Factor" believed to be triggered by another chemical secreted by the conceptus almost immediately. It's presence can be tested for with the "rosette inhibition assay" just 48 hours after conception. Wow! A TTC's dream...get rid of the whole 2ww!

Given this fact, it is no wonder so many women "know" they're pregnant and have pregnancy type symptoms BEFORE implantation (7-10 DPO). Their bodies are already well aware of the pregnancy and are going into action. It would also explain why in some cycles women really do feel pregnant but never get a positive pregnancy test: it's quite possible they had symptoms of conception but implantation was unsuccesful.

Here's an interesting study on the topic of EPF and the detection of pregnancy before implantation:

Time of implantation of the conceptus and loss of pregnancy:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10362823
(Bottom line: just over 60% of women who concieved went on to have succesful implantation and clinical pregnancy.)

My thinking for this cycle, since we had not started trying in earnest (not until March was the plan), is that I while I really did not think we would/could get pregnant this cycle, I do suspect conception was somehow succesful given my over-abundance of symptoms. The real question now is whether the embryo will implant succesfully. The only way to know is to see whether HCG is produced and becomes detectable in the next few days with an HPT. Of course, I'll never know for sure if I'm right...not unless I could get someone to give that test to detect EPF!!

I'll be POAS like a mad women for the next several days, guaranteed, at any rate!

2ww Obsessing: 5-6 DPO Symptoms

Okay, having been preggers three times in the last 2 years means I am REALLY aware of pregnancy symptoms. It's still very early but I am having TONS of symptoms already, starting a bit at 3DPO and then really getting intense on 5 DPO. I researched and found that there are hormone changes and elevations pre-implantation (so it is possible to have symptoms before 7-10 DPO). I think they are primarily related to Progesterone jumps.
http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/12/12/2607.full.pdf

I want to record them because they're either just crazy hormonal symptoms this month and I should disregard these in the future, or they're actual pregnancy symptoms.

Implantation could not have occurred yet, so there is still the possibility it won't happen (even if conception did) and then my symptoms would just fade into regular PMS symptoms.

Here is the loooong list, taken from the Countdown to Pregnancy site I'm using in addition to my own notes. This is the most symptoms I've ever had in any cycle (BFP or BFN) but I tend to have more symptoms on BFP cycles.

Spacey/lapses in brain function!
Vivid Dreaming
Sharp Round Ligament pain when stretching upon waking
Shortness of Breath (when singing)
Abdomen: Feels like a "lump" in my stomach
Abdomen: Bloating- abs are really swollen tonight
Abdomen: Gas/Flatulence- crazy gassy since like 2DPO
Abdomen: Heaviness/Fullness
Abdomen: Mild/Dull Cramps/Pressure
Abdomen: Pulling/Pinching
Abdomen: Twinges
Abdomen: UTI or Feels Like
Back & Legs: Achy Legs or Hips- leg muscles feel soooo sore in pm
Back & Legs: Backache
Chest: Breasts Feel Heavy or Full
Chest: Heartburn
Chest: Increased Breast Size
Chest: Sore/Sensitive Nipples
Chest: Tender Breasts, esp in the pm
Emotional: "I Just Feel Pregnant"
Emotional: Crankiness/Irritability
Emotional: Depressed
Emotional: Weepy
Head: Dizziness or Light Headed
Head: Dry Mouth/Increased Thirst
Head: Headache -very off and on
Head: Increased Sense of Smell - neighbor's cooking, herbs, vitamins
Head: Sore Throat
Head: Strange/Metallic Taste in Mouth
Head: Stuffy Nose
Overall: Sleeplessness
Pelvis: Diarrhea
Pelvis: Increased Cervical Fluid
Stomach: Nausea-waves in the morning, queezy until eating breakfast

Pregnancy Fertility Prayer

I decided to compose a prayer for the new year related to our infertility and recurrent loss...praying in faith to God!

Dear Gracious Creator Lord: You created everything that is and all of life is yours. You give life and you take it away. Your ways are inscrutable and your ways are not our ways, but your ways are always true and just. In our human frailty, we call out to you in prayer and ask you to hear us. We come boldy to your throne in Your Son Jesus' name, knowing that you ARE a loving God and Father who cares "for the least of these." We know that with you "ALL things are possible": You are the God that created the world, spoke through a burning bush, freed the Israelites from bondage, broke down the walls of Jericho, raised up prophets and kings, brought victory when victory was otherwise impossible, and you deigned to come to earth, God in human form in the guise of a little baby, in order to rescue us from sin and death. You have conquered evil in Jesus through the cross and the resurrection and you have redeemed humanity in your faithful love and mercy. You are ALMIGHTY GOD. Your miracles are too many to number! You have blessed older, barren women with babies, women like Sarah and Elizabeth, and then you blessed a virgin to become the mother of the Son of God. Nothing is too great for you!

And so I pray on behalf of all women suffering with infertility and pregnancy loss and ask you to grant us, as is Your will, healthy children. And Lord, this year I ask that you give my husand and I health of body and mind and that you please bless me and my family with a healthy baby, that we may rejoice and give you praise, because you are a God who turns weeping into joy and mourning into dancing. We pray earnestly for the joy, the blessing, and the miracle of a healthy baby in 2011. We ask not because we are worthy or because we deserve it, we ask because you are merciful and gracious, abounding in steadfast love, and able to do all things. O God, our strength, our hope, and our redeemer, our hope is in you and you alone. Thank you Lord. In Jesus' Holy Name I pray. AMEN.